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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26727637">take my hand, it's all for you</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/strawberrytozaki/pseuds/strawberrytozaki'>strawberrytozaki</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>TWICE (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>All members appear at some point, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Internalized Homophobia, misamo best friends, nayeon and sana are both nerds but also cheerleaders?, nayeon struggling with comphet, rivals to lovers to enemies to friends to lovers, very sana-centric</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-04-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 09:08:00</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>9</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>33,648</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26727637</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/strawberrytozaki/pseuds/strawberrytozaki</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Nayeon would always be beautiful—no amount of hatred or sadness or fear could undo that simple fact.</p><p>Sana would always be in love with her too—another fact, maybe.</p><p>or; Sana and Nayeon are each other's biggest competition, but a shift in their dynamic right before senior year changes everything.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Hirai Momo/Myoui Mina, Im Nayeon/Minatozaki Sana</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>86</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>471</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. one</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Sana and Nayeon had been enemies from the womb—that’s what Momo used to say through a teasing grin whenever tension rose between the two girls. It was technically impossible. Sana didn’t move to Korea until she was six years old, didn’t meet Nayeon until she was seven, but Momo had never been one for technicalities and ten years later they were still at each other’s throats—she figured it wasn’t too far off.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Sana couldn’t explain when it started. Not the rivalry—</span>
  <em>
    <span>that</span>
  </em>
  <span> stemmed from Nayeon interrupting her introduction to her new class in second grade. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When Nayeon spoke through the gap of her missing tooth and asked, “what a long last name. Can’t we just call you Tozaki?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sana had shot the meanest look she could muster at Nayeon’s smug face, then. And revenge came the very next day—when Nayeon announced her perfect score on a spelling test, when Sana slid her paper over and bragged about the ‘+1’ next to her score for correcting a mistake from their teacher. Needless to say they had been in competition ever since.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>So, she knew where the rivalry started. What she didn’t know was when Nayeon’s lips began to curl around words so eloquently that Sana couldn’t tear her eyes away—didn’t know when the other girl’s incessant chatter became more of a welcome constant than an infuriating distraction. But she knew when she finally did something about it.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>It was in the midst of the summer scorch before their senior year. Sana sat curled into a far corner of the library with textbooks and notes strewn haphazardly around her table. She had been taking summer courses for extra credit since her freshman year of high school, never quite knowing what to do with her hands or her brain in all the downtime that no school would entail, and it was far from uncommon for her to take residence in the library into the dark hours of the night. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It was quiet and warm and everything a library should be, until a looming shadow slithered behind her and obstructed her view of her papers. She turned to the offender with a glare ready on her face—a glare that quickly turned into a look of annoyance as she took in Nayeon’s smirk. Of course, as if the universe and the stars and all of destiny’s power was out to get her, Nayeon had taken the same course as her.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey, mind if I sit here?” Nayeon asked. Sana nodded with a resigned sigh as she moved her belongings into a more organized mess so Nayeon could set up on the other side of the table.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Why are you here so late?” Sana found herself asking. Despite popular opinion, Nayeon and Sana didn’t hate each other. On most days. They were both smart enough to know not to turn down a study partner whose intelligence was on par with their own, at least. </span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Focus better at night,” Nayeon shrugged without meeting her gaze. “I could ask you the same thing.”</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ve been here for over an hour,” Sana sighed. “These theories are kicking my ass.” Nayeon snickered at that and Sana almost reached over to smack her for it.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Here,” Nayeon slid a notebook across the table and Sana swallowed down the unnecessary joke about the childish stickers scattered across the front. “Quiz me, it’ll help you.” Sana knew she was right, she learned things quickly when she got perspective from other people on how they understood certain concepts, but she would never admit that.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I can barely read your writing,” she said instead. “What are you? Four?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Five, actually,” Nayeon beamed up at her, big bunny teeth on display and Sana really couldn’t help the chuckle that escaped her lips.. “Now quiz me. Or are you intimidated by my intelligence?”</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Sana scoffed. “Never.”</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>They went back and forth for almost an hour, taking turns asking each other questions. Nayeon had settled down at one point, taking her jacket off and leaning forward on her elbows as the questions became more and more difficult with each turn, neither girl wanting to be the first to mess up. Eventually they gave up on the AP Biology curriculum and moved onto random facts they both knew, trying their hardest to catch the other off-guard. They were both leaning on the edge of their seats, eyes locked on each other, almost daring the other to look away and give up. Until, of course, Sana’s own body betrayed her.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Her stomach grumbled. Loud.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Really?” Nayeon teased with smirk. “Working up an appetite over there, Tozaki?” And something in Sana finally snapped upon hearing the nickname that Nayeon </span>
  <em>
    <span>knew</span>
  </em>
  <span> she hated. Years and years of inexplicable tension between them, the endless teasing—not to mention Nayeon looked really hot while explaining the process of expiration and inspiration. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sana reached across the table, gaze darting between Nayeon’s lips and her eyes as she grabbed Nayeon by the collar of her hoodie, and kissed her. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She kissed her with a fervour that had laid dormant in her veins for far too long—kissed her hidden in a corner of the empty library for no one but the books to see. It was harsh and bruising and a lifetime of built up frustration that they both poured into the touch. Sana’s chest was heaving, felt like her lungs couldn’t take the oxygen in fast enough when she pulled back and saw Nayeon’s dazed expression for a split second before something determined settled in the older girl’s eyes.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Do you want to go back to my house? To get some food?”</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Sana was nodding before Nayeon could finish her sentence.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>They didn’t get food.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>They did stumble into Nayeon’s room, lips locked and hands roaming.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Nayeon did mumble, “I’ve never been with a girl, I-I’m not gay.”</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Sana did look at her then, asked for permission.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>And Nayeon gave it.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>[...]</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>It went on like that for almost two months. Sana and Nayeon became study buddies and then… something else—something more. It was easy, Sana thought, being with Nayeon. When they weren’t bickering—which was still a constant battle—they found that they had a lot more in common than they knew. Nayeon filled in where Sana was lacking and Sana melded against the hollow parts of Nayeon like she belonged there. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It evolved from tension-filled quick lays into something that was gentle and fragile and hopeful, too. Nayeon would send Sana pictures of things she saw throughout the day with a smiley face and a </span>
  <em>
    <span>“reminded me of u”</span>
  </em>
  <span>. More often than not it would be something ugly like a bug or a garbage can, but sometimes she would send cute puppies or funny gifs. Hopelessly and sickeningly, it sent Sana’s stomach into a knot regardless. It didn’t take long for Sana to learn all about Nayeon either. About the things she loved and despised and cared about so much that her heart would burst just talking about them. </span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>They never talked about it, though—the thing between them that was as stable as a stormy wave.  Sana never needed to push a label onto anything, always wanted to respect Nayeon’s boundaries. It was the first time in her life that she had lied to Momo. Technically she didn’t </span>
  <em>
    <span>lie</span>
  </em>
  <span>, opting to believe she only withheld the truth when talking about the cute girl from her summer class that was really nothing serious—yet. </span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>She wanted to tell her best friend every detail so terribly badly. Like how Nayeon’s hands were big enough to envelop hers completely, how she’d tell her embarrassingly corny facts throughout the day, how Nayeon prided herself on looking like a bunny, but was secretly terrified of them. She shared every aspect of her life with Momo, but it wasn’t her secret to share, and that was something she would have to respect.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Sana never struggled with her sexuality. She never had to come out or fight her own insecurities or vie for acceptance from her parents. Because one day when they were children, her and Momo kissed for no other reason than Sana thought she looked extra pretty in her yellow dress, and the next day, Sana told her mom she thought they were going to get married. Her mother only laughed and fueled her big dreams of a wedding with two brides. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>For Sana, it was simple. As she got older, she realized that wasn’t the case for everyone—that not everyone knew love was unconditional. And that was why she vowed to herself to keep whatever she had with Nayeon a secret. It would be worth it in the end, anyway. Because Sana was sure Nayeon was the one for her and she’d hide from the world until the end of time, if that was what Nayeon needed. She figured, in fact, that that night was the perfect night to tell Nayeon as much..</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>She had received a text from the older girl asking her to come over because she needed to talk to her about something, and Sana couldn’t help the giddy smile stretching her cheeks because there was a promising feeling bubbling in her chest that told her Nayeon was finally ready to talk about whatever they had. Sana felt comfortable knowing there was a meaning behind every gaze and touch Nayeon sent her way—there was just no way anyone could look at a friend with as much affection as Nayeon did when she looked at Sana. It wasn’t a question at that point, Sana liked Nayeon and Nayeon liked Sana back, it didn’t need to be said out loud for both of them to understand.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>She reached Nayeon’s house, creeping into the backyard before she checked her phone, reread the text of Nayeon telling her that her parents were asleep. She jumped up with practiced ease and latched onto the lattice that led up to Nayeon’s window, tapping on the glass four times. The window swung open and Sana was quick to guide herself inside.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>She stood in front of Nayeon with the same soft smile on her lips that she had reserved for the older girl over the past couple of months. But, as she leaned in to greet her with a kiss, Nayeon pulled back abruptly.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Sana,” she started. “I’m seeing someone.”</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Oh.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p><span>Sana felt like she was falling, like a black hole had opened beneath her feet and swallowed her completely as Nayeon’s words rang through her head like a siren on repeat. </span><em><span>Nayeon was seeing someone? </span></em><span>Sana wanted to pinch herself to see if she was dreaming, if she had been dreaming up the past two months, because Sana was anything but</span> <span>naïve, she was sure her and Nayeon had become more than friends with benefits or whatever other nausea inducing affiliation she could think of. And maybe they didn’t have a definitive label, but she felt like Nayeon had just cheated on her.</span></p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What?” She mumbled out dumbly, felt like her mouth was moving too slowly as she twisted her palms into fists at her side. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Her heart pounded in her ears as Nayeon stretched the horrible silence out for minutes, hours, years. </span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I mean, you’re not surprised right? I told you I wasn’t gay.”</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Sana’s eyes snapped up to Nayeon’s then. The words hit hard and Nayeon knew it. Sana saw something in the other girls’ eyes—conflict, maybe. Part of Sana knew Nayeon was trying to hurt her on purpose, hurt her so Sana wouldn’t fight for her. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Nayeon…” she whispered, moving to reach a hand out and feeling her heart crack in two as Nayeon took a step back. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And then Nayeon did what she knew best, took a deep breath and covered her feelings with a smirk that made her face completely unreadable. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“This was just, like, an experiment,” Nayeon said then, the final nail in the coffin. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The words dug deeper than any superficial insult Nayeon could’ve thrown at her in the past ten years. Sana felt something curl and twist violently in her chest, felt steel walls shoot up through her ribcage to shield her heart from whatever Nayeon was trying to make her feel. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And then Sana did what she knew best. </span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, Nayeonnie,” she giggled with a smile so icy that she swore she could see the windows frost over, trapping them inside. “That’s alright.” Nayeon looked at her and Sana smirked as she saw the older girl trying hard to keep her face as passive as possible. “Being with a straight girl is kind of… boring. For the lack of a better word,” she sighed with faux sympathy, ignoring the way the words dug fissures into her heart, ignoring how much it hurt to slip back into this role.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She wanted to scream, wanted to take the words back as soon as they slipped from her tongue. They felt like acid dripping from her lips and she wanted to pull them back in before the weight could settle on either of their shoulders. Instead; “Or maybe it was just being with you,” she laughed again, laying her hand on Nayeon’s arm. “No hard feelings, really. But you should’ve let me give you that goodbye kiss,” Sana leaned forward until she was so close that she could feel Nayeon’s breath on her lower lip, tried not to let it tremble with emotion. “Now you’ll be left wondering what it would’ve felt like.”</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>She gave herself exactly one second to drink in the sight of Nayeon’s shocked expression before she led herself out the window for the last time. She didn’t let herself cry until she was in the safety of her bedroom with her door locked and her lights off. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Momo called her later that night, asked why she sounded like she was crying, Sana said she had just finished watching the finale of the drama they had started together. She lied to Momo for the second time, once again for Nayeon, and stared at the wall dejectedly as she let her best friend unknowingly spoil the entire episode that she hadn’t gotten around to watching yet.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>... oops? i couldn't get sanayeon enemies to lovers out of my head after watching the TTT episodes omg. this was kind of just the set up for what i have in mind BUT! disclaimer i dont have this story planned out at ALL so the updates might not be frequent or consistent. that being said i hope you enjoyed and i hope you'll continue to read this as i put more chapters out!! also the title of this r lyrics from boys aside by sofya wang! definitely recommend it</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. two</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p>
  <span>Sana was always indifferent to the first day of school. She didn’t fret over what people would think of her new hair, didn’t get excited at the prospect of more popularity. She was never hung up on the whispers that danced around her in the halls or the stares that followed behind her like a parade of judgement. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Her first year of senior year was no different. In fact, she found herself dreading the day ahead of her when she thought about how many classes she would likely be sharing with a certain girl that she was having a very hard time despising.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>She had spent the last two weeks of summer vacation in her bedroom, staring at the ceiling and wondering how she would get over Nayeon. She only managed to force herself into the sun when Momo had barged in one day, armed with a pout and puppy dog eyes that not even the devil could resist, as she asked her to go shopping before school started back up. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It had been easy enough—Momo didn’t ask why she was hiding from the world and Sana never felt the need to offer a reason. That’s what happened when you were friends with someone your whole life, Sana supposed. Everything was easy, everything fit. Momo filled the gaps that Sana left by talking about how nervous she was to meet the new foreign American student that she would be ‘mentoring’ for extra credit, and Sana found herself forgetting about Nayeon with each moment she spent with her best friend. Momo was comforting in a way Sana had never experienced with anyone else. She never tried to fix Sana, was simply a solid presence that was there at absolutely any moment that she was needed.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>It made sense, then, that she was squeezing Sana’s hand tightly as they entered their school, sensing her best friend’s discomfort without it being verbalized.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Today will be fun,” she promised. “We have Ms. Lee first thing, you love her.”</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Sana looked at the sea of high school students in front of them and sighed deeply as she gave Momo’s hand a quick squeeze for good measure. She inhaled sharply and put her best brave face, nodding and smiling at her best friend. Sana felt her smile brighten when she saw how Momo’s face lit up at the sight. Momo was a whirlwind of clumsy mistakes and decisive aloofness, but in the centre of it all was something so gentle and golden that Sana found herself wondering if she was real at all.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I love you,” Sana mumbled, letting her head fall against Momo’s shoulder as they stopped at their lockers.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Love you, too.”</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Sana smiled at the kiss that was pressed to the top of her head and figured maybe the year wouldn’t be so bad as long as she had Momo by her side. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They got to their first class of the day relatively early. It was early enough for the room to be devoid of a teacher, and Sana let herself get pulled toward the back of the room by Momo.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Should I save a seat for Mina?” Momo asked as they claimed two desks as their own. Mina, being the foreign student Momo would be paired with. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sana met her gaze, almost made a joke about the nervousness swimming in Momo’s eyes before deciding to give her a break and nod with an encouraging smile instead. She felt fondness spread through her chest as Momo nodded to herself and carefully adjusted her backpack in the seat next to her. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>As the classroom began to fill up, more and more people began to approach Sana and talk to her about her vacation and her plans for the next year. She didn’t think she was </span>
  <em>
    <span>popular</span>
  </em>
  <span> per-say, but she was the head cheerleader—a title that brought a lot of necessary socialization with it. She felt a weight lift from her shoulders as she sat on Momo’s desk and spoke to familiar faces, letting her initial worries fade away.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Until, of course, Nayeon arrived.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>The classroom door opened in what Sana felt was slow motion—crawling open and mocking Sana with each creak of its hinges. And then there she was, Nayeon standing with a tall boy pressed against her in a way that made Sana’s stomach churn. She didn’t know his name, didn’t care to learn it. She did, however, notice the way Nayeon’s hands were too small in his, remembered the way her own fit perfectly with Nayeon’s. She felt something ugly crawl through her heart like bitter vines holding it captive as she watched him leave and Nayeon walk into the room. They held each other’s gaze, hard and unforgiving and tension filled the room like a cloud of smoke that made it hard to breathe. Sana blew out a breath and let a mirthless smile crack her stoic expression.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Why so glum, Nayeonnie? Not happy to see me?” She asked, breaking the silence that she hadn’t noticed fall over the classroom. “Or sad that you’ll have to settle for second best in your favourite subject?”</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Nayeon scoffed and rolled her eyes, throwing her belongings down on the first empty desk she saw. “Screw you, Tozaki.” Sana laughed at that, moving off of Momo’s desk to settle in her own seat.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“What was that?” Momo asked cautiously once the conversation picked up again. Sana could faintly hear students whispering about </span>
  <em>
    <span>the rumours being true</span>
  </em>
  <span>, and </span>
  <em>
    <span>Nayeon is really dating him</span>
  </em>
  <span>. She wanted nothing more than to snap at them, tell them to shut up, tell them that Nayeon spent the summer with </span>
  <em>
    <span>her</span>
  </em>
  <span>, not some stupid boy. But she held her tongue and met Momo’s gaze.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“She’s been extra bitchy since summer school,” she shrugged. Momo didn’t look convinced, but she was forced to let it slide as Ms. Lee entered the room and silence overtook the students once more.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Good morning, class,” the older woman greeted with a kind smile. “As you know, I’m Ms. Lee. I hate formalities so please don’t call me ma’am or anything like that.” Sana tried to brush off the jittery feeling in her limbs that the encounter with Nayeon left as she focused on the teacher’s words. Ms. Lee opened her mouth to continue speaking when the door to the class opened once more and in walked a girl no one had seen before.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Sana took her appearance quickly, a fleeting </span>
  <em>
    <span>she’s cute</span>
  </em>
  <span> passing through her mind. The girl had long blonde hair and an air of grace that radiated from her. She stood straight and breathed calmly and Sana felt irrationally intimidated by the sight.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“You must be Mina,” Ms. Lee said, and then Sana wondered why she hadn’t realized sooner. “Late on the first day?” The teacher had a faux stern tone that anyone could see through, but Mina’s eyes widened in surprise as apologies tumbled from her lips before Ms. Lee stopped her with a laugh. “I’m just joking,” she said kindly. “Do you want to introduce yourself?” Mina looked worried for a moment before she took a deep breath and that same calm expression washed over her. She turned to the class and, with near perfect pronunciation, said: “Hi, I’m Mina and I just moved here from America.” Sana felt Momo tap her leg and turned to look at the other girl with a grin.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“This is Momo,” they both heard suddenly. Ms. Lee said it in English, something that surprised them, but they figured there were very few things the teacher wasn’t capable of. “She’ll be your partner until you get settled in.”</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Momo stood up and gave Mina a little half bow that was hesitantly returned. “Hi,” Momo gave a wide smile, ignoring Sana giggling at her eagerness.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Hi,” Mina said softly. “Nice to meet you.” And then she walked right past them into a seat in the back row. Momo pouted and looked at where her backpack sat on the seat next to her before sighing and pulling it to hang off the back of her own chair instead.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“She probably didn’t want to assume that was for her,” Sana tried, patting Momo’s arm, to which her friend nodded and looked ahead determinedly. Sana knew she was already plotting on how to befriend Mina.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>The class continued with no further interruptions; for Ms. Lee, at least. Sana’s focus was interrupted every time Nayeon shifted in her seat, every time she adjusted the bun at the top of her head, every time she flipped the page on her notebook. Sana dug her nails into her palms as she tried with all her might to ignore the girl that she had a clear view of from her peripheral vision. She had more self control than that.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Or so she thought.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Sana?”</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Her head snapped to the front of the class, where Ms. Lee was looking at her with a half-expectant, half-amused expression on her face. Sana felt her cheeks get red as she realized she had completely zoned out.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Sorry, what was the question?”</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“What’s wrong, Tozaki?” Of course, Nayeon saw her chance to strike and took it. “You had a lot to say earlier.” Sana looked over to see Nayeon’s smirk and barely contained the scowl that was threatening to take over her features. Instead, she put on a sugary sweet smile and nodded toward the older girl.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“You would know a lot about that, right, Nayeonnie? Considering you never stop talking.” She barely gave herself time to revel in the muffled snickers that came from a few students in the class before she turned to Ms. Lee expectantly. From the corner of her eye she saw Momo’s face contort into a frown, and the agonizing guilt that she felt whenever she remembered the secret she was keeping from her best friend began to feel suffocating.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay, girls, that’s enough. You have the rest of the year to be at each other’s throats, please, </span>
  <em>
    <span>please, </span>
  </em>
  <span>let yourself have one day of peace,” Ms. Lee jokingly pleaded, leading the rest of the class to laugh with her. Everybody, staff included, knew about Nayeon and Sana’s… </span>
  <em>
    <span>dynamic</span>
  </em>
  <span>. They learned early on that there was little anybody could do to intervene, and that it was generally harmless. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Was</span>
  </em>
  <span>, being the key word. Sana didn’t know if it was friendly competition anymore. Her words weren’t playful or lighthearted, she felt something dark and ugly flare up inside her, and the look on Nayeon’s face wasn’t smug and annoying, she looked determined. They both had something to prove.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Before either of them could reply, the bell rang. Sana never found out Ms. Lee’s original question. She never saw the expression on Nayeon’s face. She just packed her things back into her bag, waited patiently for Momo to do the same. She watched as Momo fidgeted with her fingers while she glanced at Mina from the corner of her eye and then she shoved her best friend gently.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“You should walk with her to next period. I’ll just see you there,” she offered. Momo looked hesitant, nervous. Sana knew she wanted her to be there when she talked to Mina, but Momo also knew that was something she had to do alone. She couldn’t rely on Sana forever. Something about that implication felt heavier than it should’ve.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay,” Momo mumbled. Sana gave her a reassuring grin and left quickly once she saw another friendly face, Chaeyoung, walking past the classroom.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Chaeng!” Sana shouted as she caught up with the shorter girl. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Son Chaeyoung may have been the last person anyone would expect to be friends with Minatozaki Sana. On the surface, they were two complete opposites, from their clothes to their friend groups. But there was a gentle warmth to Chaeyoung, a type of mystery that intrigued Sana to no end, and a shared blunt at a party that neither of them cared about was all it took to light the first sparks of friendship between them. </span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey,” Chaeyoung grinned up at her, dimple proudly on display. Sana couldn’t resist the urge to poke it if she tried, causing the smile to fall from the other girl’s face as a petulant pout formed in its place. Sana giggled at the sight, feeling the built-up tension from seeing Nayeon leave her as she slung an arm around a reluctant Chaeyoung. “I’m glad we have this class together,” Chaeyoung admitted as they entered the next classroom together, picking their seats and making sure to save two for Momo and Mina.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Why?” Sana asked, eager smile on her face.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“So I can cheat off you.” A loud smack reverberated through the empty classroom followed by Chaeyoung’s infectious laughter. “Ow!”</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re a pain in the ass.”</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“You love me.”</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Hm,” Sana hummed in contemplation. “I love your weed,” she said then, as though it were a compromise. </span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Chaeyoung let out an affronted gasp and scowled when Sana stuck her tongue out at her childishly. Their conversation was cut short as Momo and Mina entered the room. Momo’s face was flushed and red and Sana tried her best not to laugh at the idea of her best friend completely embarrassing herself in front of Mina.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey, we saved these for you two,” Sana said, making sure Mina wouldn’t have a reason to avoid sitting with them. The two girls nodded gratefully and took their seats behind Sana and Chaeyoung. “I’m Sana, by the way,” she offered, giving Mina a small wave and her warmest smile. She knew all too well the cold fear of moving to a foreign country, knew how important a friendly face could be and she was all too happy to be one for the girl before her. . “This is Chaeyoung. Chaeyoung, this is Mina, she’s from America.”</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Mina blushed under the attention and waved at the two of them. “Hi,” she said in English, eyes widening when she realized. She opened her mouth to correct herself, but Momo was quick to interrupt.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Hi,” Momo responded in English, seizing her opportunity. “I am Momo,” she spoke hesitantly before she grinned a cheesy grin that made the other three girls burst into laughter. “You are cool,” she said to Mina then, causing the other girl to blush once more.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re cool too,” Mina repeated her words back to her. “My Korean isn’t very good,” she admitted, switching back to the language that was foreign to her. “Sorry,” she mumbled.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t be sorry,” Chaeyoung shrugged. “You’re already better than Momo,” she added with a cheeky grin.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey!” Momo pouted, making them all laugh again. Sana watched Momo shoot her best attempt at a glare at Chaeyoung—one that held absolutely no weight—and then she saw the older girl’s eyes soften when she noticed Mina giggling. Sana felt herself laugh at her best friend’s social ineptitude</span>
  <em>
    <span>, </span>
  </em>
  <span>but the sight </span>
  <em>
    <span>was </span>
  </em>
  <span>endearing, that much she could admit.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>The rest of the day was uneventful at best. Sana felt her dragging her feet between classes, her body on autopilot as teachers went through their expectations for the year and made students play introductory games as if they didn’t already know each other. They didn’t bother Sana much, though, she didn’t mind repeating the mundane introduction that had been ingrained in her mind for years. Until that wasn’t enough. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Because the universe was conspiring against her and the last class of the day made her wish the Earth would crack and split and swallow her whole.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sure you’re sick of introducing yourselves by now,” Ms. Bae had said with a chuckle. “But this is the last time you’ll have to do it! You’re seniors now, this is your last first day of high school.” The words shouldn’t have affected Sana so much—she’d been preparing for graduation since the first day of high school. But something nostalgic and nervous filled her stomach with butterflies as she repeated them in her head. “We’ll go around in a circle. I have a ball here, when it’s passed to you, say your name and what school you plan to go to after graduation, or your post-high school plans, then pass the ball to someone else. Easy enough?” The class mumbled in agreement and Sana found herself zoning out as the ball was passed around. Until, of course, it was Nayeon’s turn.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Hi,” she said with a confident smile that brightened when somebody greeted her back. “My name’s Im Nayeon, and after graduation I’ll be going…” she paused, looked right at Sana and Sana swore her heart was about to beat out of her chest. “Wherever the wind takes me.” The words knocked the breath out of her lungs and Sana found herself stumbling. Falling into darkness, into Nayeon’s eyes, into the summer heat, into Nayeon’s room.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>They were laying under the light blue blanket that Nayeon insisted on sleeping with despite the sticky heat of the summer nights. The AC was blasting and there was the gentle hum of music playing from Sana’s phone. Sana had Nayeon’s hand between hers, playing with her fingers absentmindedly with a smile on her face.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Sana?”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Hmm?”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Where are you planning on going to school after we graduate?”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Sana looked up at Nayeon then, scooting back so her head was on the pillow instead of Nayeon’s chest. She never let go of Nayeon’s hand.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Wherever Momo goes,” she shrugged.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“You don’t have a plan?” Nayeon looked confused, as if she was unable to grasp the concept of leaving your future education up to chance, as if she was expecting Sana of all people to have it all planned out because… well, she was </span>
  </em>
  <span>Sana</span>
  <em>
    <span> after all.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I do, I have a few. There’s a dance school Momo’s had her heart set on forever, so when she gets in, I’ll be going to school in the same area.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“You planned your dream school around Momo?”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“No, I’ve never had a dream school,” Sana shrugged, smiling at the confusion on Nayeon’s face before reaching forward to ease the worry lines on her face. “Momo’s passion is dancing. I don’t have a real passion. We promised we’d stay together after graduation, so how could I force Momo to choose between what she loves and a promise she made to me, just so I could get a diploma from a bigshot school that I don’t care about?” She could see understanding wash over Nayeon in slow waves as the older girl nodded to herself. “I guess you could say I’ll be going wherever the wind takes me,” she giggled when Nayeon rolled her eyes. “What about you?”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“My parents have planned my career path since I was in diapers. I get the grades, and then I go where they tell me,” Nayeon shrugged. Sana couldn’t help the frown that formed on her face.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Well, what do </span>
  </em>
  <span>you</span>
  <em>
    <span> want?” She challenged. Nayeon looked up at her with a sad smile.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I want to be like you.” Sana felt breathless at the admission. “But I can’t, my parents won’t pay my tuition if I don’t go to a school of their choice.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Then let’s pretend, for now,” she spoke quietly, urgently, pulling Nayeon’s hand to her lips and kissing her knuckles gently. “When we graduate, we’ll go where the wind takes us.” Something about the way Nayeon was looking at her—pleading, almost desperate, made Sana want to scoop her up and hold her, protect her from the weight of the world outside of their makeshift blanket fort.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Okay,” Nayeon nodded, voice barely above a whisper.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>They fell asleep like that, legs tangled with Nayeon’s hand in Sana’s and no care in the world. Because, in their little bubble, they had the privilege of pretending.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Sana snapped back to reality in time to catch the ball that Nayeon had thrown to her. There was something lurking beneath the faux indifference that was writing across the older girl’s face. She was quite literally  putting the ball in Sana’s court. Sana knew what she wanted to hear—what Sana so desperately wanted to say to prove that they still had a connection.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>But then she remembered; </span>
  <em>
    <span>She has a boyfriend. She doesn’t care about you. She never loved you.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>So instead, she mumbled the name of the school that was less than twenty minutes away from Momo’s dream school and watched as Nayeon visibly deflated. She wanted nothing more than to grab Nayeon and hold her close—wanted to promise her they were okay, that Sana would include her in her future plans if she still wanted it, that Sana </span>
  <em>
    <span>loved her</span>
  </em>
  <span>. She didn’t do any of that, instead, passed the ball to the boy next to her and turned her attention to the window, willing away her tears.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>When class ended, she bolted from the room before she could even glance at Nayeon, pushing down any lingering sadness she may have felt from their encounter. She forced herself to remember that she would be spending the rest of the day with Momo, and that would be enough to take her mind off of things, at least until she got home. In fact, Sana saw Mina and Momo speaking to each other animatedly as they waited for her by her locker and she approached them with a curious expression on her face.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey,” she said to announce her presence. Momo turned to her so quickly, eyes wide and excited and Sana was laughing away the heaviness in her heart before she could think about it.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Guess what,” Momo said before Sana could speak.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“What?”</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Mina speaks Japanese!”</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Sana raised a brow and looked past Momo to meet Mina’s eyes. “You do?” Mina nodded shyly and Sana grinned.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I invited her to hang out today,” Momo mentioned with a proud smile, knowing Sana would have no problem with it. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And, as they walked to the café that Momo’s mother owned, Mina squished between the excited pair of friends as they spoke in rapid-fire Japanese and told her about all the places they </span>
  <em>
    <span>had </span>
  </em>
  <span>to take her, their duo became a trio as seamlessly as the changing of seasons.</span>
</p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>i thought including little flashbacks to nayeon and sana's "relationship" would be cool considering i didnt get to write much of them being cute together before it all went to shit! also chaeyoung is a stoner in every universe it just makes sense. i'm thinking of doing chapters from other character's (i.e. nayeon and momo's) perspectives in the future, so let me know if that's something u want to see! anyway i hope you enjoyed ! comments and kudos are always appreciated :) and sorry for any mistakes omg</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. three</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Mina fit into their friendship like the final puzzle piece falling into place. Where Sana and Momo were loud and chaotic, she was calm and quiet. She created a perfect balance when the three were together and they quickly realized that meeting her felt less like meeting and more much like welcoming her home. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>For a long time—for her whole life, really—Momo had been the only person to be able to understand Sana for all her intricate thoughts and unfavourable quirks, had no choice considering they grew up together. But with the addition of Mina, more and more with each passing day, Sana found that Mina was more intuitive, more emotionally intelligent than Sana could ever dream to be. Found that, with one look Mina could see right through whatever front she may have been putting up. It used to scare her—how observant Mina was. She wasn’t exactly sure why. Was she scared that Mina would see all the ugly parts of herself that she managed to hide even from Momo? That Mina would unravel all the walls she built for herself and see her darkest secrets?</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Whatever it was, in the end, Sana couldn’t help but be grateful for Mina taking the time to understand her in the handful of weeks they had known each other. In her desperate attempt to return the gesture, Sana had offered to give her weekly Korean lessons, which soon turned into random pop quizzes while they watched TV on Sana’s bed because the girls spent more time together than they did apart. It was a change that Sana welcomed with open arms. That particular day, Mina sat against Sana’s headboard as the two girls diligently worked on their essays that were due the next week. With Sana’s tutoring, and her headstrong argument against the principal, Mina had improved enough to be bumped up into Sana’s AP Korean course.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“It’ll look much better on college applications than a supplementary course, Minari,” Sana had said firmly against Mina’s protests.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“But I’m still not fluent!” Mina whined dramatically.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“That’s why I’m here to help, silly,” Sana responded with a smile that absolutely no one could resist, and that was the end of the conversation.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Momo had dance practice that day, leaving a gaping hole in the centre of Sana’s bed that neither of them felt quite right filling. </span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Sana-chan?” Mina’s gentle voice broke Sana’s focus. She looked up from her notebook and was already leaning to look at Mina’s work, ready to help. “No, I’m not stuck,” Mina said softly in Japanese. Sana looked at her, confused, watching as Mina nervously bit her lip while she scanned Sana’s face. Typically, Sana would be firm about Mina speaking only in Korean when they did schoolwork because </span>
  <em>
    <span>the best way to learn is to do, Mitang</span>
  </em>
  <span>, but something about Mina speaking to her in her native language wrapped around Sana tightly and quelled whatever anxieties she had felt that day.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“What’s up?” Sana asked. She felt a knot forming in her stomach the longer Mina made her wait, but she knew the other girl needed time to gather her thoughts sometimes, so she resigned to wringing her fingers as she waited with a fraction of the endless patience Mina held for others.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you okay?”</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Three words. Just three simple words that should not have knocked the breath from Sana’s lungs as hard as they did. She hadn’t been asked that question in a long time, never gave anyone a reason to. Momo never needed to ask, because Momo always just knew exactly how Sana felt, what Sana needed to be okay—she never asked because she never needed to. Those three words held more weight than she could handle, and she felt the pressure crushing against her heart. She knew she must’ve looked like an idiot, just staring at Mina with confusion etched into her features. She knew Mina was observant but, was Sana that obvious? Surely Mina couldn’t have known about Nayeon, or what happened over the summer, or-</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I know I haven’t known you as long as Momo has, and I would never try to overstep any boundaries, it’s just…” The hidden insecurity in Mina’s words finally snapped Sana out of her dazed state as she reached out for Mina’s hand.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Mitang, it doesn’t matter how long we’ve known each other. You and Momo are my best friends,” she said firmly, making sure her words resonated with Mina. “There are no boundaries for you to overstep.” Mina nodded at her words, giving her a small, grateful smile before her brows knit together again.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“So, are you? Okay, I mean.”</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Sana sighed, felt the weight of the world on her shoulders as she looked into Mina’s eyes. Mina—so patient and kind and never ever judgemental. She opened her mouth to speak, to say </span>
  <em>
    <span>of course I’m okay</span>
  </em>
  <span>, but her tongue tripped over itself and it came out sounding more like a sob. In the blink of an eye, Mina was pulling her close and telling her it would be okay and Sana couldn’t stop the tears if she tried. Her chest was heaving, her throat felt tight and she poured the pain she felt over the past two months into that embrace, pain that she never told anyone about. Mina held her through it all, rocking her back and forth and petting her hair and it made her cry harder. She felt the wound that she had half-heartedly taped together rip open as her cries shook her heart violently. She thought, if you listened closely, you could hear with each staccato beat ‘</span>
  <em>
    <span>Nayeon, Nayeon, Nayeon</span>
  </em>
  <span>’ and the sound reverberated through an empty hole in her from which she had given something important to Nayeon in the summer heat, in her bedroom under her glow-in-the-dark star ridden ceiling. When her tears ran dry, and her sobs slowed to hiccups, she pulled back and grimaced at the tears and snot that had accumulated on Mina’s sweater.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Sorry,” she mumbled, voice nasally and thick. She had a pounding headache and her eyes felt like they were going to burst from their sockets any minute, but Mina just smiled her kind smile and shrugged.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I needed to wash it anyway.”</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Sana sighed at the words, looking at her hands that sat in her lap as she tried to find the courage to explain herself to Mina.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“You don’t need to tell me anything you don’t want to,” Mina assured. Sana almost cried again because god it was like Mina could read her mind sometimes.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I want to,” she answered firmly, decidedly. She looked at Mina. “There’s this girl. Let’s call her... Nancy.” And so, Sana spoke. She told Mina about everything that happened between her and </span>
  <em>
    <span>Nancy</span>
  </em>
  <span>, and Mina listened as if every syllable were important. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She cried, a lot, as she recounted the good times and the horrible ending, stuttering over herself when she tried to formulate sentences to explain how she felt about it all. She didn’t know what it was about Mina that made her finally open the floodgates and let out everything she had been feeling. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It made her realize that, without saying so many words, she had given herself to Nayeon completely. She took Nayeon’s hands, let her love collect between them like an endless pool and Nayeon took it, kept it, never gave it back. The realization caused a trembling sigh to fall from Sana’s lips. She’d never get it back, the things she gave to Nayeon; the words she whispered into the darkness of the night, the crescent moon smiles that appeared only around the other girl, the ‘</span>
  <em>
    <span>I love you</span>
  </em>
  <span>’s that came out sounding nothing like I love you and everything like ‘</span>
  <em>
    <span>you can do anything, you know</span>
  </em>
  <span>,’, ‘</span>
  <em>
    <span>I believe in you more than I’ve believed in anything</span>
  </em>
  <span>’, ‘</span>
  <em>
    <span>I’ll hold your hand, so the wind takes us together</span>
  </em>
  <span>’. Sana did cry, then, a wave of dread washing over her as she realized that those were never hers to keep, anyway, that they were perfectly crafted to be in Nayeon’s possession forever. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Mina held her for a long time after. She held her until Sana stopped sounding like she was gasping for her last breath of air, listening as Sana’s lungs stuttered, once, twice, then felt relief consume her as her friend finally managed a clouded breath. “It hurts,” she mumbled out, head still buried in Mina’s shoulder. “Loving someone who can’t love you back.” When Sana looked up, there was a melancholy, wistful look in Mina’s eyes as she smiled sadly.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I know.” And with two words, Sana knew Mina understood. Somehow, someway, her and Mina were one in the same and Sana felt a new wave of emotion bubble up and spill over as it hit her that Mina may have experienced half the pain she felt. “It’ll pass,” Mina promised. She looked so confident, so determined that Sana almost believed her. Almost, because she wanted to say that there was no way the cracks in her heart would mend themselves, that the thought of Nayeon’s touch would always burn trails into Sana’s skin, that Nayeon’s laugh would always ring in her head.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Instead, she asked, “did it pass for you?”</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Mina’s breath caught. A pause, Sana could hear her heartbeat roaring in her ears. ‘</span>
  <em>
    <span>Nayeon, Nayeon, Nayeon</span>
  </em>
  <span>.’ And then, “not yet.”</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Sana sat up, guided Mina’s head to her shoulder, intertwined their hands and felt it as something shifted. She thought maybe, maybe, that moment could’ve been the beginning of healing, if she let it be. If her heart could stop repeating Nayeon’s name like a mantra and if she could stop hoping for a text from the other girl every time she looked at her phone. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It didn’t stop, though. Sana still hurt—hurt twice as much when she realized Mina was hurting too, but she felt lighter than she had felt since she spat those venomous words in Nayeon’s face and crawled out of her window with a thudding, deflated excuse for a heart. Sana felt light because she had finally told someone about it and Mina had managed to give her the best thing possible; someone to relate to, someone to pour her emotions to, who would understand in excruciating detail. And Sana thought that, maybe, she would be okay anyway.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>[...]</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Something definitely did shift after that day in Sana’s bedroom. Since meeting Mina, both Sana and Momo had felt the overwhelming urge to protect her, to shield her from any evil the world may have presented the girl that was nothing short of heaven-sent. But after that day, Sana found herself drowning in the way Mina began protecting her. She had to fight back tears every time Mina squeezed her hand at just the right time, or when Mina would hug her like the world may end if she didn’t, or when Mina would stop what she was doing, look directly into Sana’s eyes and ask </span>
  <em>
    <span>are you okay</span>
  </em>
  <span>, just to make sure Sana wasn’t being suffocated by the presence of her looming emotions. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sana thought Mina must’ve figured out that </span>
  <em>
    <span>Nancy</span>
  </em>
  <span> was really Nayeon, partially because Sana believed that Mina knew everything, but mostly because Mina was always there with a hug or a smile or a silent promise that everything was okay whenever Nayeon looked at her or spoke to her in a way that made Sana’s world tilt on its axis. It made Sana’s appreciation for the girl increase tenfold, much like the way it did when she realized Mina hadn’t mentioned anything to Momo without Sana even needing to ask.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Momo.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Sana didn’t even know how to tell Momo. She didn’t think she could look at her friend and explain to her how she had been stupid enough to give Im Nayeon her heart and expect her to keep it safely. She didn’t think she would have the courage to choke the words out to the person that had been through everything with her, that knew Sana like the back of her hand and that would be able to understand everything Sana couldn’t put into words. She would feel selfish, giving her pain to Momo like that, knowing how the older girl carried the problems of the universe like her own burden and how she did it with a smile. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She’d feel selfish for so many reasons, but especially because Momo had a dance competition coming up, one that she needed to win to pique the interests of scouts that would be attending. And Sana knew Momo would throw that all out the window in favour of lying in bed and letting Sana cry on her shoulder. So, she put on her best brave face, decided she waited that long, that she could wait a little bit longer, and resolved herself to keeping her secret from Momo. The ugly voice in her head sounded a lot like guilt.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>She ignored it.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>She ignored it and she was glad, because as the days went on, Momo became increasingly stressed out over the competition, over the choreography, over her duties as captain, and the last thing Sana wanted to do was add to it. Instead, she volunteered to practice with Momo whenever possible, alongside Mina, and as the competition drew nearer, Park Jihyo joined them as well.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jihyo was on the dance team with Momo, practically her second in command. Momo had the talent and ambition to be dance captain, but her easy-going attitude and aversion to conflict made it difficult to always be taken seriously. It was never an official thing, Jihyo helping Momo. One day, when the team was chattering amongst themselves about one thing or another, Jihyo had enough of watching Momo try (and fail) to get their attention, so she barked out a </span>
  <em>
    <span>Hey! Listen up!</span>
  </em>
  <span> And the rest was history. Sana respected Jihyo, as a person and a dancer. She stood up for Momo and was probably the only person—with the exception of Mina—that could dance with Momo and not look completely mediocre in comparison.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Jihyo also happened to be Nayeon’s best friend, right up there with Yoo Jeongyeon. It shouldn’t have surprised Sana so much then, in hindsight; seeing Nayeon outside as they waited to be let into the venue of the dance competition. But it did, </span>
  <em>
    <span>god</span>
  </em>
  <span>, it did. Because her heart began to pound, and her palms felt sweaty despite the chilly weather and she thought she would’ve toppled right over if Mina hadn’t let her lean all of her weight onto her. Mina looked up from her phone and frowned when she saw Sana’s distressed state, reaching for her hand before she looked in the direction Sana was facing and then she understood, because she always did. She pulled Sana closer to her and, without speaking, told her friend it would be okay. </span>
  <em>
    <span>It’ll pass</span>
  </em>
  <span>. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sana thought time froze when Nayeon met her eyes. She felt her heart constrict painfully, looping up and over itself until it felt more like a knot than an organ and Sana thought she might’ve been sick. Nayeon glanced down, then, somewhere between Mina and Sana and the tiniest frown graced her features before she spared one last look at Sana, face a sort of sad that Sana had never seen on her before. And then it was gone. Nayeon was facing forward and Sana could breathe again. They came out in short, shallow puffs of air, but she was breathing, and it was enough.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>There was something about Momo’s dancing that never failed to leave Sana awestruck. Ever since they were children, she would watch with a giddy smile and stars in her eyes as she saw her clumsy best friend transform into the epitome of grace and control to the beat of the music. Even then, Sana couldn’t contain the proud smile on her face as Momo glided through the most difficult part of the routine with ease and something akin to contentment settled warmly in her chest as she realized there was absolutely no way Momo wouldn’t win. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>In a fleeting moment, she glanced over to Mina, saw her other best friend with the most inexplicable smile on her face, eyes almost misty as she watched, entranced, eyes tracing Momo’s movement as she let the music guide her like an invisible dance partner, like it was the blood that flowed through her veins. Something clicked into place, then. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Oh</span>
  </em>
  <span>, Sana thought. Momo was Mina’s Nancy. She looked forward then, watched the dance team take a bow as they relished in the applause, took Mina’s hand in hers. </span>
  <em>
    <span>It’ll pass</span>
  </em>
  <span>. She didn’t notice the way Nayeon face contorted into another frown when she glanced at them from two rows away. Mina excused herself then, made up a lie about her parents needing her to go home and asking if Sana was okay to get home alone. Sana lied, too, said her mother could pick her up, because Mina rarely asked for things, but in that moment she was asking for an escape, and Sana couldn’t give it to her fast enough, knowing too well the way despair could spread through your lungs like a wildfire and suffocate you in the blink of an eye.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Once the competition was over (Momo’s team won, there wasn’t a doubt in Sana’s mind that they wouldn’t) Sana stood against the building and watched as the parking lot began to empty out. Momo would be going out for a celebratory dinner with the team, Mina had gone home, and Sana really wasn’t sure why she was standing in the cold, lit joint between her lips as she took steady puffs. She had been planning on smoking it with Mina while they walked home together, but figured if she was walking alone, she could at least be high enough to enjoy the scenery.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I didn’t know you smoked.” The familiar voice sent chills down her spine, and Sana desperately hoped she could pass it off as the bite from the cold. Sana chanced a look to her right, then, looked Nayeon right in the face with a quizzical stare.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“You saw me and Chaeyoung at Sooyoung’s party this summer,” she reminded, watching the smoke float above her before dissipating into nothing.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh yeah…” Nayeon trailed off awkwardly. She didn’t speak again, just watched the steady inhale and exhale from Sana with something Sana could only describe as fascination.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Why are you here, Nayeon?” She finally asked, beginning to feel lightheaded. From the weed, or from Nayeon’s presence, she wasn’t sure.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Do you need a ride?”</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“What?”</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“A ride. Do you need a ride home?”</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Sana looked at her incredulously, silently asking if she was serious. “No,” she answered after a beat.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re going to walk home in the dark, alone, while you’re high?” Nayeon questioned. And okay, when she put it like that it made Sana sound like an idiot, but she lived close enough to the venue and the neighbourhood was a generally safe one. “Come on,” Nayeon urged gently. “It’s just a ride.” Of course, Sana thought bitterly. Just a ride, just like it was for fun, just an experiment. She found herself following Nayeon anyway.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>They didn’t speak again until Nayeon turned in the opposite direction of her house, and she went to correct her, figuring maybe Nayeon forgot where she lived, or maybe she wasn’t paying attention or— </span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“You turned the wrong way.”</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Nayeon looked at her, smiled in a way that held a million implications and Sana’s head began to spin.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t you still like the scenic route?”</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Sana, your house is back there,” Nayeon said with confusion laced into her voice. Sana looked at her with a smug smile and tapped her fingers on the steering wheel in time with the song playing on the radio.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I want to show you something.” Something fluttered in her stomach as she caught a glimpse of Nayeon relaxing back into her seat at her words, something about the way Nayeon trusted her made flowers bloom in Sana’s lungs. They drove for a few more minutes in content silence, Sana listened as Nayeon sang along to the radio and she felt the familiar fondness bubbling from deep within her at the sound, loving the way Nayeon sang even if it was hushed and under her breath.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Sana made a series of turns before finally grinning from ear to ear as she heard Nayeon let out an awed gasp. “Wow,” the older girl whispered. Sana pulled over, then, getting out of the car and circling it to Nayeon’s side so she could open the door for her too. The two of them sat on the hood of Sana’s car, the faint hum of the radio filling the air around them as they watched the sun set over the city in front of them. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>It was the perfect view, one Sana had seen plenty of times, and she found herself staring at Nayeon more than the sight in front of them, beaming as the glimmer in Nayeon’s eyes grew with each passing second. She felt breathless as the oranges and yellows and reds of the sun’s impending slumber painted Nayeon’s face in a soft glow that made her look entirely too ethereal to be sitting so close to Sana. Sana’s eyes traced over the image in front of her repeatedly, frantically, trying with all her might to imprint it into her memory so she would never forget. Not that forgetting Im Nayeon would ever be an easy task.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>And then Nayeon looked at her as the sun dipped behind the buildings and the colourful display was replaced with darkness, smile bright enough to light up the night sky. “Thank you,” she said timidly. Sana grinned, scooted impossibly closer, let Nayeon’s head rest on her shoulder and let herself lose track of time as they sat at the viewpoint and let the radio’s Top 40 be the soundtrack to their night.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>It might’ve been the fact that her brain was still clouded with smoke, but Sana’s lips quirked up into a half-smile at the words. Her chest felt painfully tight as they drove past the view spot and Sana remembered how, like many things in her life, it only served as a reminder of everything of Sana’s that now belonged to Nayeon. She choked back the tears, forced herself to look forward at the road and willed herself for the love of god to not look at Nayeon.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“So, you and Myoui, huh?” It lasted all of ten seconds, because Sana’s head snapped to look at Nayeon with confusion etched into her features.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“What?”</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you guys, like, a thing?” They were nearing Sana’s house, she noted distantly.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“What the hell?” Her voice was calm despite her confusion. “Mina’s like my sister.” She watched how red creeped up Nayeon’s neck, to the very tips of her ears at the admission. She pulled into Sana’s driveway.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, sorry. It’s just…” she trailed off and it ignited something in Sana. If that had been three months ago, Sana would’ve found Nayeon’s embarrassment completely adorable, but in that moment, all she felt was a dangerous amount of anger and frustration bubbling within her. Who did Nayeon think she was? How did she think she was allowed to feel anything about who Sana may or may not have been interested in when Nayeon was the one who broke her heart in the first place? It was ugly and dark and angry and it infested her chest faster than she could understand, then it was tumbling from her lips before she could second guess herself.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s just what?” She finally asked. “You thought I would just throw myself at the first girl that showed me attention?” The words burned her tongue and she couldn’t get the next ones out fast enough. “That’s not how lesbians work, Nayeon, sorry to disappoint.”</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“What—Sana, you know that’s not what I-”</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Sana opened the car door, pushing half her body out before she responded.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s the thing,” she laughed bitterly. “I don’t know. I don’t know anything about you, clearly.” Nayeon looked like she wanted to say something, wanted to disagree and tell Sana something that she wasn’t sure she could handle hearing. She didn’t know if it was the joint she smoked, or the time of night, or something else entirely, but Sana didn’t have any fight left in her.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Sana-”</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Goodnight, Nayeon.” And just liked that, Sana walked away from Nayeon, feeling like she left another piece of her heart somewhere amongst the leather seats in Nayeon’s car. A piece that matched the one she dropped on Nayeon’s floor the night everything ended, jagged and broken. She climbed the stairs of her empty house until she could collapse into her bed. She sent Momo a congratulations text, promising to take her out the next day to celebrate, and then she hesitated over her next conversation for a moment, realized how uncommon it was for Mina to need comfort, how unskilled Sana was in that department, not knowing what Mina needed or wanted when she felt like the Earth was splitting in half and swallowing her whole. She sent a message anyway.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>S: are u awake?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>MN: yeah</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Without a second thought, Sana got on her bike and rode the short distance to Mina’s house. Sana frowned when Mina opened the door for her. She had a smile that didn’t quite reach her eyes and outstretched a hand for Sana to wordlessly take.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“You never told me,” Sana said into the darkness as they laid on Mina’s bed. Their only source of light was the soft glow of the TV playing some random cartoon she didn’t recognize. “You never told me who your Nancy was.”</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Mina looked at her for a long time, then, studied Sana’s face and expression and sighed. “Do I need to?” Sana shook her head, moved closer so she could hug Mina, hugged her like she could heal her from the outside in. “You don’t need to tell me either.”</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I know.” A pause. “Thank you.”</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>It’ll pass.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>wow i rlly do not have an update schedule btw, i'm just updating as i get the inspiration to write :) fun fact: this started off as mimo-centric with only a side of sanayeon enemies to lovers but apparently i love angst so here we are! MIMO WASNT SUPPOSED TO BE ANGSTY!! idk how we ended up here T_T but! misana are soft best friends that just /get/ each other u know... i love them :(</p><p>as always i hope ur enjoying and i love hearing your thoughts on the chapters!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. four</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>tw for very brief homophobia and violence in the flashback but they're both not very intense or detailed!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Momo was the deciding factor when it came to Sana becoming a cheerleader. Momo was the deciding factor for many things in Sana’s life, really, but that one in particular changed the course of her high school career. For the better. Mostly. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>If you asked, Sana could still recall the day Momo came bounding out from the gymnasium in their first year of high school, face flushed and chest heaving with unrestrained adrenaline as she barrelled through her explanation of making it onto the dance team, being complimented by the coach, even. Sana could recall the twinkle in her best friend’s eyes, the pure giddiness that guided each of her steps, could recall the way Momo bumped her shoulder and told her she should sign up for the cheerleading auditions that would be taking place the next week. Sana could recall saying “</span>
  <em>
    <span>I don’t think I’d be very good,” </span>
  </em>
  <span>when she was really thinking </span>
  <em>
    <span>I don’t think I’d fit in</span>
  </em>
  <span>. But the part that would stay in her memory as vivid as the moment it happened was the gentle way in which Momo looked at her, like she heard what Sana didn’t say, and then, in her Momo fashion, said </span>
  <em>
    <span>“well, you’re almost as good as me, so I think that’s more than enough,” </span>
  </em>
  <span>and the laughter it pulled from Sana was enough of a confirmation that yes, she would be auditioning, if not for herself then for Momo.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>The day of the tryout, though, was not quite as tender as the bond between the two girls, but neither of them could forget it if they tried.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>(Let it be known that Hirai Momo did not wake up that morning intending on getting into a fight.)</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Sana, look at me,” Momo urged gently as she watched her friend wringing her hands out, eyes darting around with nerves. She waited patiently until Sana made eye contact and then sent her the biggest grin she could possibly form. “You’ll be fine.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Maybe this is a mistake,” Sana grumbled. “We can leave now and still catch the lunch special at that new place you wanted to try!” She gave Momo a puppy dog face and batted her eyelashes dramatically, trying to ignore the nerves thundering in her stomach. She knew it didn’t work the moment Momo’s face fell into a determined glare and Sana gulped.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Listen up, Minatozaki,” Momo started, grabbing Sana by the shoulders and making sure she was paying attention. “You are going to go out there, do it exactly how we practiced, and leave them begging for more. Got it?” There was no room for argument, really, and Sana couldn’t find it in her to fight when Momo sounded like there was no doubt in her mind that Sana would get a spot on that squad. So, she smiled back, noticed how it wasn’t forced, and nodded sharply, relaxing as she saw a smile overtake Momo’s features.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Minatozaki Sana?”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>She felt ice shoot through her bones, felt it melt just the same when she saw Momo’s warm smile, and then she was walking toward the middle of the gym without a second thought. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>As the music started, she put on a smile and pretended for a moment that she was Momo. She pretended like she possessed the innate ability to flow with the rhythm of a song like water flowing through a creek, pretended like the air around her was a dance partner, guiding her from position to position. The more she pretended, the more she felt herself slipping into the role until the lines were completely blurred and she didn’t know where she ended and the dancer she was imitating began. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>It was an overwhelming feeling, knowing she was being watched, knowing she was doing a good job—because, </span>
  </em>
  <span>of course</span>
  <em>
    <span>, she would do a good job, Momo was her teacher after all—so overwhelming that she nearly stumbled as her feet carried her to the last move and then the music was cut and Sana could barely hear what the two girls behind the table were saying over her own heartbeat in her ears. She chose not to focus on them, chose to focus on Momo’s barely audible cheering, instead, and then she was smiling and bowing and thanking them for their time before she walked off to where Momo was still seated on the bleachers.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Holy crap, it was like you were possessed by Beyoncé or something!” Momo squealed as she wrapped her in a hug. Sana felt her face flush at the volume of her friend’s voice before she pushed back, feeling entirely too sweaty for a hug.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Thanks,” she mumbled, feeling shy for a reason she couldn’t put her finger on.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Okay, go change and then I’m taking you out for a celebratory meal.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“We don’t even know if I made the team.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Oh yeah… well, we can celebrate me being the bestest best friend of all time?” Momo gave a cheeky smile that turned into a full-blown grin when Sana rolled her eyes and grabbed her backpack before turning to enter the change rooms.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Momo took her seat on the bleachers once more, content to watch the last few auditions as she waited for Sana to change. That was when she heard it.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Minatozaki was okay, but isn’t she, like, a dyke?”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>The reaction was instant. She felt her face get hot with anger, her hands balled into fists so tight that, for a fleeting moment, she feared she could break the skin of her palms. Suddenly all Momo could think of were all those moments where Sana was brave and selfless for her. Where Sana hugged her too tightly for her to fall apart and promised her that things would be okay. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>And then she was up. Her feet were carrying her to the source of the venomous words and if she hadn’t been so angry, she might’ve noticed the look of fear that flashed across the girl’s face for a split second.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“What the hell did you just say?” Momo could barely recognize her own voice. It was deep and dark, and she sounded… scary.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>The girl—Seungwan, Momo recognized—sat up straighter once the initial shock of Momo’s appearance faded. “I said, she’s a dyke.” Momo felt like she could see the words spill from Seungwan’s mouth, felt like they materialized into a knife that stabbed right into her stomach and she was absolutely seething with rage.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Seungwan, stop,” Momo vaguely heard, saw Park Sooyoung grabbing Seungwan’s arm in an attempt to diffuse the situation.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“No,” Seungwan laughed, mistaking Momo’s silence for permission to continue. “It’s true, isn’t it, Hirai? Sana’s a freak-”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>(Let it be known that Hirai Momo did not wake up with the intention of punching a homophobe, but </span>
  </em>
  <span>god damn</span>
  <em>
    <span> did she wish she did.)</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>In the blink of an eye, Momo’s fist collided with Seungwan’s face so hard she was sure she heard something crack (her fist or Seungwan’s nose, she wasn’t sure), but she never was the best at self-control. It made sense then, that Momo didn’t really stop after the first punch, blinded by rage at the idea of someone being so cruel to anyone, but </span>
  </em>
  <span>especially</span>
  <em>
    <span> to Sana. She didn’t feel the death grip Seungwan had on her hair, not really. All of her senses were blurred around the edges and it wasn’t until she was being physically pulled away from the girl underneath her, not until she heard “what the hell?” in the most familiar voice, that everything began to trickle back into her consciousness. Her chest was heaving, eyes blown wide and she could taste something metallic in her mouth as she finally focused on Sana’s eyes.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“What the hell happened?” Sana’s voice was shrill as she held onto Momo’s shoulders, likely scared that Momo would attack Seungwan again if she let go (Momo wasn’t sure that she wouldn’t.) Before she could answer, before she could spew the horrible, dark insults that were brewing in her chest just for Seungwan, before she could say that Sana was the kindest, most intelligent, most talented person Momo knew, that she was the farthest thing from a freak, the gymnasium doors flew open and Coach Kang stormed in.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Hirai. My office. Now.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>She shrugged Sana’s arms off as she made eye contact with Coach Kang, whose face was so red Momo worried it would explode, and followed the older woman without another word. She did, however, let herself glance back at where Sooyoung was checking over Seungwan’s injuries. She also let herself crack a smile at the sight.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>So, no, Momo didn’t plan on beating the living crap out of Seungwan from math class, but seeing a homophobe with stitches at school the next day and knowing she was responsible sure as hell made it worth it.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>The story would later become one of their favourites. Momo would puff her chest out in pride as she asked, “and </span>
  <em>
    <span>how </span>
  </em>
  <span>many stitches did that bitch need to get?” She would grin wider, even, as Sana replied with a monotonous, “thirteen.” Sana would always pretend to be </span>
  <em>
    <span>so over</span>
  </em>
  <span> hearing Momo brag about how she won the first and only fight she had ever gotten into, would roll her eyes and tease her friend for it, but there was a bigger part of her that always felt an overwhelming amount of love for Momo as she realized that Momo did that for </span>
  <em>
    <span>her</span>
  </em>
  <span>. The same Momo that couldn’t kill a fly if she tried. </span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>(“And how many weeks of detention did I get?”</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Just one.”</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s right, because I’m so charming.”</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Everybody and their mothers know Coach Kang is probably gay, Momo-yah. That’s why she didn’t punish you more.”</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re just mad that I got away with starting a fight.”)</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>However, other than proving what Sana already knew—that she would be friends with Momo for the rest of her life—that day also proved to her that every idea Momo ever had would end up screwing Sana over eventually.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>In this case, it was four years later.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Minatozaki,” Coach Kang greeted with her kind smile. “Have a seat.” Sana sat in the familiar seat across from her coach and nodded to let her know she was listening. “So, as you know, Jisoo’s injury has her out for the season.” Sana nodded again, confused as to why they were discussing something she was already aware of. “Obviously, the varsity team is typically picked based on performance in the junior squad, however, we do need to find a replacement for Jisoo before the competitive season begins. As this is an unusual case, I’ll need you to host tryouts for any girls interested in a second shot at varsity this year.”</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh…” Sana trailed off. She knew she had no choice, but the idea of organizing tryouts by herself sounded daunting, even with her leadership experience from being head cheerleader. “Will I be doing it alone?”</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, no way,” Coach Kang quickly dismissed the idea with a wave of her hand. “That’s too much work for one person, even you.” Sana felt herself relax before she chuckled shyly at the words. “You’ll run them, and Im will help you out, I’ve already run the idea by her.”</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>And there it was—Momo’s idea truly biting her in the ass.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>If she thought rationally for a moment, maybe, she would know that Momo actually had nothing to do with it and it was the universe’s sick way of punishing her for </span>
  <em>
    <span>something. </span>
  </em>
  <span>But she couldn’t exactly yell at the universe, now could she?</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>It shouldn’t have surprised her, not really. Nayeon had always been her unofficial co-captain, and it hadn’t been uncommon for them to discuss major decisions together. And, bless Coach Kang’s heart of gold, she probably couldn’t see the newly charged tension between them during their latest practices through her ever present, optimistic lenses.  So, Sana put on her best fake smile, told Coach Kang it sounded like a great idea, and then marched off toward the cafeteria. She was on a mission.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Somehow, after the talk in Nayeon’s car, things between them had gotten </span>
  <em>
    <span>even worse </span>
  </em>
  <span>than before. They were at each other’s throats in every class they shared, waiting on the edge of their seats for a chance to correct the other, to prove their superiority. Sana got a ninety-nine on their last AP Chemistry exam, so naturally, Nayeon read the answer key until she found a mistake that bumped Sana down to a ninety-eight. Sana asked rapid-fire questions after Nayeon’s history presentation until the other girl stumbled out the wrong answer to one, which resulted in her receiving an A instead of an A+ to match Sana’s. Their rivalry before had been fun, perhaps not for the people that had to hear their constant bickering, but it had been a dynamic that kept them on their toes. But, along with Sana’s heart, something between them broke and a monster was created. Two monsters, to be exact.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>And one of those monsters felt like she was about to unleash her wrath on one unsuspecting Hirai Momo.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>You!” </span>
  </em>
  <span>She shouted, footsteps booming as she stomped through the cafeteria to where Momo was sat next to Mina, lazily twirling pasta around her fork. Upon seeing Sana, noticing the fire in her eyes and the accusatory finger pointed in her direction, Momo dropped her fork back into her container and quickly hid her upper body behind a very confused, very amused Mina.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I didn’t mean to do it!” Momo squeaked out. “I thought I could fix it before you noticed!”</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“You—wait, what?” Sana asked as she halted in front of the table. When Momo finally met her gaze and she saw the sheepish, apologetic look on her friend’s face, she felt another wave of frustration surge through her. “</span>
  <em>
    <span>What did you do?</span>
  </em>
  <span>” She asked loudly.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Um…” Momo hesitated, fiddled with her fingers the way she did when she was nervous. She looked at Mina for help, whining quietly when the other girl she lifted her eyebrows and shrugged. “Nothing,” she giggled anxiously. “Yell at me about that other thing,” she suggested with a wave of her hand.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Sana looked at her skeptically, ready to argue before she remembered Coach Kang and tryouts and—“You just… you know what? Never mind. I have a bigger bone to pick with you.” Momo looked up at her then, wondering what she could’ve done. “Because of </span>
  <em>
    <span>you</span>
  </em>
  <span>,” Sana started, “I now have to run tryouts with Nayeon.” She groaned as she slumped down across the table from her two friends.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“And… that’s somehow my fault?”</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes! If you never convinced me to try out, I wouldn’t be here now, would I?” She didn’t wait for an answer. “And if I wasn’t so pretty and talented, I wouldn’t have become head cheerleader. God, I guess it’s partially my fault too.” She ignored the snickers from her friends, too overwhelmed to laugh at her own joke, and then she let her head drop down to her arms.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p><span>“Why’s that so bad, anyway. You and Nayeon always do cheerleader stuff together.” Sana refused to look up, didn’t want to see the way she knew</span> <span>Mina would be looking at her—with concern, with empathy, with understanding that Sana still didn’t know if she deserved. Sana didn’t think she could handle asking herself why she was really so upset, didn’t want to know the answer.</span></p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, but she’s been a total ass this year,” she groaned instead. “She’s not going to agree to anything I say, just out of spite.”</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, you don’t know that.” Surprisingly, it was Mina who spoke. She was looking at Sana with something that made her next words feel ten times too heavy for Sana to hold. “I mean, you both care about the squad, right?” Sana nodded, felt like her throat was too dry. “Then she might surprise you. I think you can put your differences aside to focus on the bigger picture.” Sana closed her eyes, pretended like she was thinking when she was really just trying to control her breathing because there was some hidden meaning laced in Mina’s words and it was at the tip of her tongue, but she couldn’t quite figure it out.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I guess,” she mumbled anyway. “Now, what other thing did you do?” She directed at Momo.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Sana let herself laugh at Momo’s worried expression and then let herself forget all about the tryouts. She figured she would need to prepare herself for spending time alone with Nayeon sometime in the next couple of days, but that could wait, because Momo was in the middle of explaining how she was in the process of fixing Sana’s favourite Ariana Grande sweater, how she thought her dog had a crush on the singer and was trying to show his affection with his teeth—explaining that </span>
  <em>
    <span>that </span>
  </em>
  <span>was how Sana’s sweater ripped—and that felt like the most important thing in that moment.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>(“Momoring, Boo is gay.”</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“You think everyone is gay.”</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Have I ever been wrong?”</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“No?”</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Then, tell Boo I said congrats on coming out.”)</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>[...]</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re late,” Sana huffed as she unfolded the last chair to complete the set up. She circled the table that her clipboard of names and notes sat on and took a seat as Nayeon made her way across the gym, looking as nonchalant as ever. Sana avoided looking at her, let annoyance fill her chest instead of butterflies, pushed away every burning urge to touch Nayeon, greet her with a hug or </span>
  <em>
    <span>something</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re lucky I’m even here,” Nayeon shrugged. She dropped her backpack onto the floor beneath her chair and put her iced coffee on the table.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, yeah, feel like I just won the lottery,” Sana drawled out with an eyeroll, scowling when she noticed the condensation of Nayeon’s drink seeping onto her notes. She grumbled to herself as she moved her clipboard closer to the edge of the table.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Kang told me if I didn’t agree to this, she’d have to ask Manoban. Then you’d really be screwed,” Nayeon laughed. (She also pushed her hair behind her in a way that made Sana want to run her fingers through it, but she chose not to dwell on that.)</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Sana grimaced at the words, knowing Nayeon was partially right. Lisa Manoban was very, </span>
  <em>
    <span>very</span>
  </em>
  <span> nice, don’t get her wrong. The problem lied in the fact that she was… well, </span>
  <em>
    <span>too nice</span>
  </em>
  <span>. It would be almost impossible to come to a decision with the other girl because she would feel too bad about rejecting anybody. She would never admit that, though.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I would rather have Lisa than you. It’s not too late to change your mind,” she said with a sarcastic smile, batting her eyelashes at Nayeon.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“If you think I would leave the recruitment of a new varsity member in our </span>
  <em>
    <span>senior year</span>
  </em>
  <span> up to you and Dopey Smurf, you’re dumber than I give you credit for.” Sana grumbled at the insult, ignoring the way Nayeon smirked to herself. Maybe, for once in her life, Mina had been wrong. Maybe Nayeon would be the same pain in the ass she always was. Sana had to stop herself from whining at the thought.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Just… focus on our job,” she finally said, sliding Nayeon a copy of the notes Coach Kang had provided. They had a list of each of the girls that would be trying out, in addition to all of their stats from their time on the junior squad. “These are the best girls from the junior squad that didn’t make it to varsity this year,” Sana explained. “Kang picked the top five, so tryouts should be done today.”</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Nayeon nodded silently, sipped her drink as she read over the notes and Sana, like the absolute idiot she was, took a moment to glance at the other girl. She felt her throat close up at the sight because Nayeon truly was the most beautiful girl she’d ever seen, no amount of anger or resentment she felt could change that. She shook her head quickly, looked back down at her hands just before Nayeon turned to her and if Sana waited another moment, if she wasn’t busy inspecting her nailbeds like she would uncover life’s secrets as she picked at her cuticles, maybe she would’ve noticed the hesitant way Nayeon let her eyes graze over Sana’s features like she was seeing her for the first time. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Maybe</span>
  </em>
  <span>. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She didn’t, though, waited until Nayeon cleared her throat to look up at her and then there was that same indifference in her eyes that Sana had grown accustomed to in the past few weeks and she sighed. </span>
  <em>
    <span>This is moving on</span>
  </em>
  <span>, she thought to herself, </span>
  <em>
    <span>I can do this.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>It didn’t occur to her until Kim Yerim finished her routine with a smile on her face and Nayeon mumbled </span>
  <em>
    <span>“I didn’t realize we could recruit fifth graders,”</span>
  </em>
  <span> that Sana realized she, in fact, could not do it. Not when there was a familiarity to the insults Nayeon conjured up for her poor, unsuspecting victims, not when it felt like Sana was suffocating herself by holding in the chuckles that should, by nature, be filling the air between them. She realized, then, that breathing the same air as Nayeon might as well have been not breathing at all, because Sana would still give up the air in her lungs for the girl sitting next to her. That was why, when the tryouts were over, Sana mumbled out some snarky variation of </span>
  <em>
    <span>“have fun cleaning up,”</span>
  </em>
  <span> that sounded less like malice and more like regret, and made a dash for the door, for the night sky, for the air that hadn’t touched an inch of Nayeon yet. Then she was gone, pedalling her bike down the familiar roads at a speed she couldn’t bother to care about.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>It took fifteen minutes until she was dropping her bike on a lawn, rubbing her tear-filled eyes with the back of her hand and holding in her sniffles to look the closest to sane as possible. Fifteen minutes until she was knocking on a familiar door and— </span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Sana?”</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Fifteen minutes until she was falling forward into Momo’s familiar arms, apologies on the tip of her tongue. She held tightly to Momo’s arm as the older girl gingerly led them to her bedroom. Momo turned around, wrapped Sana in a hug that felt like a 17-year friendship and love and it made something tender blossom in her chest. She wasn’t crying, not really. She let herself bask in the comfort that she had deprived herself of for a long time—the kind that could only come from the girl with the softest eyes and kindest heart, that could only from Momo. Momo didn’t ask, just let Sana take what she needed in the quiet darkness of her bedroom. Comfort, love, sincerity, whatever Momo could offer. She didn’t ask, just turned the TV on and watched as the quiet hum calmed her best friend down.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry,” Sana said once she figured out how to untie the knots that her tongue had twisted itself into. She felt Momo’s curious eyes on her and moved so she was sitting across from her. Their knees were touching, and Sana was vaguely reminded of all the times they would sit like that as children, playing hand games until they fell over from laughter. “There’s something I’ve been dealing with and I think I’d like to tell you about it now,” she clarified, saw concern fill Momo’s bright eyes, wished she’d offered to play chopsticks instead. Momo waited patiently as she mulled over her words in her head, trying to find the right combination that Momo would understand (she would later realize she was only procrastinating, because she could speak gibberish and somehow, someway, Momo would still understand.)</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>She didn’t cry, though it felt like she would. Felt like each word was another needle poking into her lungs until she couldn’t breathe, but she pushed on. She needed to do it, needed Momo to know because hiding something from her was like a constant weight being pressed onto her shoulders and Sana was </span>
  <em>
    <span>tired</span>
  </em>
  <span>. She told Momo every detail she could bare speaking into the air again.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>At some point she was pulled against the older girl again and Sana could almost feel Momo taking her pain and anger and turning it into something as light as a cloud. Momo listened as Sana stumbled her way through that day in the library and what it led to, as she told Momo that she knew Nayeon’s favourite order from Gong Cha and how Nayeon used to look at her like she loved her (</span>
  <em>
    <span>“She didn’t,” </span>
  </em>
  <span>she clarified right after. </span>
  <em>
    <span>But in those moments, it felt like she could’ve,</span>
  </em>
  <span> is what she didn’t say.)</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“You want to know what I think?” Momo asked tentatively, bumping Sana’s shoulder with her own after the younger girl fell silent. Sana hummed in agreement. She didn’t want to know, because Momo would have the perfect things to say and Sana wasn’t sure she was ready to hear it, but she </span>
  <em>
    <span>needed </span>
  </em>
  <span>to hear it, and part of her thought Momo knew that. “I think there’s a reason you refuse to acknowledge any other possibilities for what she did.” Sana whipped her head around, looked at Momo like she had three heads, waited for her to continue anyway. “You’re so hellbent on the idea of her hurting you because she wanted to. There’s a reason you don’t want to look at what’s right in front of you and that’s because it’s easier to think things are all black and white.” Momo paused for a moment, looking at Sana thoughtfully, before— “It’s easier to accept the sure outcome of a broken heart than to deep dive into unknown waters.”</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>And there it was. Momo—the girl that knew Sana better than she knew herself. Sana felt something twist and turn within her at the realization that maybe </span>
  <em>
    <span>this </span>
  </em>
  <span>was why she waited so long to tell Momo. Maybe she didn’t want to be forced to look at the one person that she could see reflections of herself in, didn’t want to see how ugly her situation truly was and be forced to confront the true meaning of her thoughts.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>She couldn’t form words, couldn’t think of how to tell Momo how much she loved her or how grateful she was to have her. All she could do was fall limp against her side as her best friend held her and she mulled over Momo’s words. </span>
  <em>
    <span>There’s a reason you don’t want to look at what’s right in front of you.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Come on,” Momo finally said, shaking Sana gently and urging her to stand up. “I know where we should go.” And really, Sana couldn’t stop the grin on her face if she tried as she followed Momo down a familiar road, speeding up her pedalling as they neared a familiar building and racing Momo to the parking lot.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Beat you!” She cheered with glee, breath coming in puffs of air as she tried to regain control of her lungs. She laughed at Momo’s pout as the older girl stood her bike against the side of the building.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Only ‘cause I let you,” Momo grumbled under her breath, shrugging past her and inserting the key into the lock. She pushed the door open and waited for Sana to enter before flicking the lights on with a bright grin that made Sana feel like it was the middle of summer, and not one of the coldest nights of the year. She looked around the establishment, smiling at the childhood memories written on the walls.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“We haven’t done this in so long,” she sighed, hoisting herself up onto the counter as Momo went to work behind it. Since they were old enough to go out alone, Sana and Momo had started sneaking into Momo’s mother’s café in the dark of the night, feeling a certain sense of rebelliousness that came from being there alone, after hours. Would pedal their bikes as fast as their legs would take them, racing until their lungs hurt, and then the loser (Momo, always Momo,) had to make drinks for the winner. Sana had forgotten that rule, kind of. Over time it became a fuzzy memory that had a vague shape but the fact that Momo remembered it, that Momo stuck to it, made a permanent smile etch itself onto Sana’s face.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“One vanilla latte for the lady,” Momo sang, placing the mug next to Sana as she stood in front of her with her own drink.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you, sir,” Sana joked, tipping her head in a half-hearted bow. She took a sip and let out a groan. “Perfect as always, Momo-yah.” She saw Momo smile, the corners of her lips lifting in a way Sana knew meant something was wrong. “What’s up,” she urged, tapping Momo’s hip with her shoe. Momo looked at her like she was in deep thought, coming up with the right words, and Sana was ready to let it go if Momo wasn’t ready to talk about it, let the older girl go at her pace, and then— </span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“So,” Momo started. “Since you told me something you’ve been struggling to tell me, I think I’m ready to tell you something I’ve been struggling to tell you.” Sana put her drink down, leaned forward so Momo knew the floor was hers. “Well, it’s kind of stupid, really, I know you’ll be fine with it— more than fine, actually, I just never really knew how to say it but-”</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Momo-”</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m gay.” Sana paused, her only coherent thought being </span>
  <em>
    <span>huh.</span>
  </em>
  <span> “I think? Or maybe bi?” Momo mumbled more to herself. “I’m not sure, but I know I’m not straight and I guess I just had a hard time coming to terms with it because I never really questioned my sexuality until recently and then it was like </span>
  <em>
    <span>woah</span>
  </em>
  <span>, you know?” Momo’s chest was heaving with nerves and the exertion it took on her her lungs to speak without taking a breath. “Are you mad I didn’t tell you?” She asked quietly, hesitantly, as if she wasn’t asking the most outrageous question Sana had ever heard.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Of course not,” Sana said, immediately hopping off the counter to wrap her best friend in a hug. “Though I’m a little sad I never made you question your sexuality. I was your first kiss,” she pouted for good measure. Momo threw her head back in a laugh that made her radiate even more warmth and Sana hugged her tighter because, in that moment, everything really did feel okay. “So, if it wasn’t me, who </span>
  <em>
    <span>was </span>
  </em>
  <span>your gay awakening, Hirai?” She mentally sent a prayer to the universe or fate or whoever controlled their lives for Momo to give the answer Sana was hoping for. When Momo didn’t speak, Sana pulled back with an inquisitive gaze and giggled when she saw how red Momo’s face had gotten as the older girl refused to speak. “Do I know her?” Momo nodded. “Am I friends with her?” A nod. “Is she in our grade?” A nod. “</span>
  <em>
    <span>God</span>
  </em>
  <span> Momo, just say it!”</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Mina…” Momo finally mumbled, rubbing the back of her neck with her hand as she looked at her feet. Sana couldn’t control the absurd noise of excitement that left her body as she wrapped Momo in another embrace, jumping around with her friend. When she felt Momo laughing against her, she pulled back.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Of course it’s Mina, she’s perfect,” Sana sighed, pretending to be offended until Momo flicked her shoulder. “Are you going to tell her?”</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>What? </span>
  </em>
  <span>No!" Momo said like it was insane, like Sana was crazy and stupid and—"Why? Wait, do you think I should?”</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Sana couldn’t tell Momo that Mina reciprocated her feelings wholeheartedly, it wasn’t her secret to tell and Mina had kept Sana’s secret without asking for a thing in return. Sana also couldn’t tell Mina about Momo, because that also wasn’t her secret to tell. She felt frustration bubble up inside of her until Momo’s words rang in her head again.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I think,” she started hesitantly. “You should take your own advice.” Momo tilted her head, looked at Sana like a lost puppy and </span>
  <em>
    <span>god</span>
  </em>
  <span>, Sana wanted to guide Momo right into Mina’s arms, but she knew there were some things in life Momo would have to do alone and that was one of them. “It’s easier to let yourself be heartbroken, than to deep dive into unknown waters. But I think Mina’s worth it, don’t you?”</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Momo didn’t speak for a while after that, they drank in silence and enjoyed the comfort that came with the dim lighting of the café at 11pm. It wasn’t until they finished washing their cups and locking the restaurant back up that Momo pulled Sana in for a hug and sighed. “Yeah, I do too.”</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>They would be okay.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>this chapter was kind of just a filler chapter to move things forward and i'm never really happy with filler chapters but ! I had to accept that this is as good as it would get. MIMO NATION HOW DO WE FEEL! i really am not capable of writing sad/angsty momo so mimo will most likely be all fluff from here. Sanayeon however... there are a few paths i'm contemplating for them. For what I've planned out I think this will probably end around chapter 9 or 10? but nothing is set in stone right now i'm kinda just writing as i get inspiration. as always i hope you're enjoying and i always appreciate comments and kudos :) PS. SORRY FOR MAKING WENDY HOMOPHOBIC it was a necessary evil</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. five</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Sana was used to change. She had learned from a young age that change was simply a transition to something bigger— better, hopefully. Change had been something she knew like a best friend from the age of six, when her entire (albeit, short) life had been uprooted when her family moved to Korea. She was lucky, then, that her family was so closely intertwined with Momo’s, that their fathers were in business together and decided to take the transfer at the same time. There was change, but there was the familiarity of someone Sana felt she had known for lifetimes.</p><p> </p><p>She felt change once more when she had been put in a fourth-grade class that was <em> not </em> the same as Momo’s. Felt the anxiety and worry curl in the pit of her stomach with each tick of the clock because there was no one to hold her hand while the teacher spoke, no one to share her lunch with or exchange words in her native language with. And as much as she worried for herself, she worried more for Momo. Her own struggles were overshadowed wondering how nervous her best friend was, how hard of a time she was having communicating with other students, if anyone was being mean to her. The stress of that change was fleeting, however, because by the end of the day she found Momo with a bright smile on her face as she told Sana all about her new friend, Tzuyu, who was also born outside of Korea, and the relief Sana felt came in waves.</p><p> </p><p>Sana experienced change more times than she could count in her seventeen years of life. So, when the dynamic between Momo and Mina began to shift, Sana didn’t worry about the way their friendship would change, rather, she welcomed with open arms the idea of her two best friends finding happiness in each other. It started small, of course. Momo came out to Mina and the days that followed were filled with something tender between the two of them, it was quiet and almost unnoticeable, and Sana laughed when she realized how typically <em> them </em>it was.</p><p> </p><p>“You can tell me if you’re dating, you know?” Sana finally piped up one Saturday after Momo left for dance practice, peeking at Mina from over her textbook. She bit her cheek to suppress a smile at the alarmed look on her friend’s face.</p><p> </p><p>“Eh?” Mina squeaked out, twirling around in her desk chair to look at Sana.</p><p> </p><p>“I noticed you two have been… different. I just want you to know you don’t have to hide it from me if you’re dating now, I’ll be happy for you,” she shrugged, uncomfortable at the allusion to her own problems. She saw Mina’s eyes soften and felt her heartbeat pick up, hoping she didn’t mention anything about <em> it </em>. But Mina was Mina, and, instead, she sighed thoughtfully, curled her legs underneath her and returned Sana’s shrug.</p><p> </p><p>“I haven’t even told her how I feel yet.”</p><p> </p><p>“<em> Huh?” </em></p><p> </p><p>“Yeah…”</p><p> </p><p>“Myoui Mina,” Sana huffed, slamming her books down on Mina’s bed and standing as tall as she could. “She’s gay, she likes women! This is your chance!” She said as she reached forward to pinch Mina’s arm gently.</p><p> </p><p>“Just because she’s gay doesn’t mean I have a chance,” Mina grumbled softly, avoided Sana’s encouraging gaze. Sana loved her friends to death, really, she did, but <em> god </em>they were both idiots. Sana had this same conversation with Momo after Momo confessed that she had not, in fact, told Mina about her feelings when she came out to her. How could they not see what was right in front of them?</p><p> </p><p>“Mitang,” she said gently. “I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but Momo looks at you like you put the stars in the sky.” Mina looked at her and Sana held her gaze, watched the cogs turning in her brain as she tried and tried to understand that <em> maybe </em> Momo reciprocated her feelings and something in Sana hurt as she realized that even people as wonderful and perfect as Mina had their insecurities. “I’ve known Momo my whole life,” she spoke again, feeling the sudden need to make sure Mina knew how much she deserved. “I’ve known her forever and I know she would be lucky to have you. You’d both be lucky to have each other,” she promises.</p><p> </p><p>Mina stood up with a heavy breath and pulled Sana in for a hug that felt like tenderness and sincerity and the same unabashed vulnerability they had both managed to show each other in their short friendship. Sana held on as long as Mina needed her to. It wasn’t until Sana’s cellphone alarm began to blare that they pulled apart, and she let out a groan of annoyance as she shut it off.</p><p> </p><p>“I forgot I have to meet up with Nayeon,” she grumbled as she began to pack up her belongings. “We have to make the final decision for who makes the team,” she explained to Mina’s confused expression.</p><p> </p><p>“So, uh, how is that?” Mina asked awkwardly, not knowing how to broach the sensitive subject. Sana could only smile, which turned brighter when she realized it wasn’t forced, not really.</p><p> </p><p>“It’s fine,” she shrugged. “She’s annoying as hell, but we’re being professional. You were right.”</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, but…” Mina trailed off for a moment. “How do you feel being around her?”</p><p> </p><p>Sana paused. Had she even given herself time to think about that? She’d only been alone with Nayeon once more since the tryouts, but they had exchanged a fair amount of texts in that time and Sana didn’t realize she had never paused to think about how she felt about it all.</p><p> </p><p>“I don’t know,” she answered honestly. “If I haven’t been able to dwell on it, that’s a good sign, right?” Mina gave her a hesitant smile, sent Sana’s heart sinking because she knew it probably was <em> not </em> a good sign. Not dealing with her problems had a way of biting her in the ass down the road, after all.</p><p> </p><p>“Just… tell me if you want to talk about it, okay?” Mina held her pinky out and Sana felt a giggle erupting from her chest despite the sinking feeling in her stomach and she wrapped her pinky around Mina’s in a promise that she hoped she could keep. “I love you,” Mina finally said, lips splitting in a blinding grin that Sana loved so much.</p><p> </p><p>“Love you more!” She got out quickly before running out of Mina’s room before the other girl could argue, giggling to herself the whole way to her bike. As she slung a leg over it to rest on the seat, she pulled out her phone and dialled the last number in her contacts. The phone rang once, twice (damn, Sana should’ve worn a thicker sweater), three times, before she heard Nayeon’s voice on the other end of the line.</p><p> </p><p>“<em> Hello </em>?” She sounded flustered, like she was in the middle of something and part of Sana felt bad for interrupting before she realized why she was calling in the first place.</p><p> </p><p>“Hey,” she greeted. “Just making sure we’re still meeting at the library in 15 minutes?”</p><p> </p><p>A pause.</p><p> </p><p>“<em> Shit </em> ,” Nayeon grumbled. “ <em> I totally forgot </em>.” Sana felt the whine bubbling up in her throat immediately and it spilled out before she could stop it.</p><p> </p><p>“Nayeon!” She dragged the name out as she huffed, and she knew she probably sounded like a child, but she didn’t care. “We have to give Kang an answer by tomorrow and-”</p><p> </p><p>“<em> Look, my parents are out of town and my little sister is having a sleepover, so I have to be here to make sure they don’t burn the house down </em> .” There was a long pause and Sana felt herself shiver—From anticipation or the cold, she wasn’t sure. “ <em> Why don’t you just come over here?” </em></p><p> </p><p>And <em> okay </em> that was not at all what she was expecting. She felt her heart flip inside out at the thought of going to Nayeon’s house, a place she hadn’t been since the day everything went to shit. A place with so many memories. But she could do it, right? She <em> had </em> to do it. If not for the squad, then for herself. She needed to move on. <em> This is moving on </em>, she said to herself.</p><p> </p><p>“Okay,” Sana agreed, nodding despite the fact that Nayeon couldn’t see. “I’m just leaving Mina’s. Be there soon.”</p><p> </p><p>She hung up without saying goodbye, pulled up her messaging app and opened the group chat she had with Mina and Momo.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Going to Nayeon’s house… update u later </em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>She pocketed her phone again, ignored the buzzing she felt through her hoodie and took off in the familiar direction of the Im residence. She let herself get lost in thought as her feet leisurely pedaled along—she was in no rush. She observed the trees that shivered against the wind and felt a chill travel through her body on cue. There was something in the stillness of everything around her, she felt like she was floating along the roads and chose not to think about why everything related to Nayeon still felt so easy. She didn’t let herself wonder why it was so easy for her to get into Nayeon’s car, or to agree to run tryouts with her, definitely refused to think about why she had so easily allowed herself to agree to meeting at Nayeon’s house.</p><p> </p><p>Before she knew it, she slowed to a stop in front of her destination and almost shuddered at the ghosts of memories that danced around in front of her. She felt a pang in her chest as her feet instinctually carried her toward the side of the house, ready to enter the backyard in stealth mode the way she had done so many times before. Instead, she sighed, stood her bike up against the garage door, and walked up to Nayeon’s doorstep.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> This is moving on. I can do this. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>She took a deep breath, lifted her fist and knocked four times, ignored the pain that bubbled up at the familiar act as she waited for the telltale sign of footsteps. The world around her fell silent as her heart started pumping faster than ever. The trees stopped swaying in the wind to listen to her heartbeat in her ears. <em> Nayeon, Nayeon, Nayeon. </em>Like a staccato beat that told a lifetime of stories. She felt like her head would explode with the thoughts that sped around as if they were in a race for which could hurt her the most. And then the door opened, and her thoughts quieted, and Nayeon was standing there in a hoodie and sweatpants and the warm lighting of her house made her look like she was glowing. Sana couldn’t breathe.</p><p> </p><p>Time stopped for a moment, waited for two girls that were like fire and ice to take each other in. The world stopped spinning and all they could see was each other. Sana felt like they were on the precipice of something as she watched Nayeon’s chest rise and fall with each stuttering breath, felt like she could lean forward and kiss her and they’d fall back in time, felt like-</p><p> </p><p>“Sana-unnie?” Like their atmosphere shattered and they both came crashing back to earth.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> There was sweat beading at Sana’s forehead as the summer heat poured through Nayeon’s window like molten lava. She was sitting at the desk with her brows furrowed and a pencil between her teeth as she tried and tried to find the answer for unlucky question number seven of their assignment. An assignment that Nayeon had smugly informed Sana that she had already completed. The girl in question was laying back on her bed scrolling mindlessly through her phone as she waited for Sana to finish. </em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em> “I could just help you, you know,” Nayeon offered for the nth time. </em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em> “Oh yeah, I’ll never hear the end of that,” Sana drawled, but there was a gentle smile on her face when she heard Nayeon’s giggle. </em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em> “Okay, your loss, you’re cutting into sexy times.” Nayeon shrugged as she sat up and reached her fingers to the ceiling in a deep stretch. “I’m going to grab some water. Do you want some?” She asked as she moved to stand behind Sana, who leaned back into her touch. Heat be damned, Nayeon’s hands on her would always be welcome. </em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em> “Yes, please,” she said as she looked up at the older girl with a cheesy grin. Nayeon rolled her eyes but leaned down to peck her on the lips regardless. And then she was gone and Sana’s stomach was doing summersaults. That was a new thing—Nayeon kissing her like it was as natural as breathing, for no reason other than because she liked how it felt. It sent a rush to Sana’s head every time. She tried to shake off the butterflies and refocus on the assignment because, well, it was cutting into her Nayeon time, but as soon as she glanced down at the paper in front of her, she heard little footsteps halt somewhere behind her. Slowly, Sana swirled around in her chair and came face to face with who she knew was Nayeon’s little sister. They had never met before, because Sana typically came over in the middle of the night or when the house was empty, but she knew who the girl was from the pictures Nayeon had shown her. </em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em> “Um,” Sana started. “Hi.” She waved awkwardly, not knowing what to do under the inquisitive gaze of a six-year-old. </em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em> “Are you dating Unnie?” </em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p><em> Of all things she was preparing herself for, Sana did not expect </em> that <em> to be thrown into the air between them. She felt her face heat up and her tongue felt too big in her mouth as she tried to figure out how to answer that. </em></p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em> “No,” she said dumbly, wincing at how unconvincing she sounded. The younger girl just titled her head, like she was sizing Sana up. </em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em> “I think you make her happy,” she said after a long moment. “Not like the boys she would talk to.” Sana felt like her face would explode from how much blood was rushing to her cheeks, she didn’t know how to respond to such unabashed honesty, didn’t know what to think of the truth she was hearing. She could feel her erratic heartbeat thrumming against the hollowness of her ribcage as she searched for the right words, for a promise that she would make Nayeon as happy as she could, for as long as she could. By the time she opened her mouth to speak, Nayeon stopped in the doorway behind her sister with an annoyed groan. </em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em> “Seoyeon, what did I tell you about leaving my friends alone?” Nayeon huffed, gently nudging the little girl along. Sana giggled as Seoyeon shot Nayeon a look of annoyance that she definitely learned from her older sister. </em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em> “Nice to meet you, Seoyeon,” Sana said with a soft smile. The girl smiled at her, big and toothy and it showed off all her missing teeth and Sana felt her heart swell at the cuteness of it all. </em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em> “Sorry, did she say anything weird?” Nayeon asked as she placed a cold bottle of water in front of Sana. She looked up at Nayeon, felt something settle warmly in her chest – love, she would later realize, – and shook her head softly. </em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em> “I think she just wanted to say hi.” </em>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>Sana forced herself to look behind Nayeon, to where her younger sister was looking at her with curious eyes and the smile on Sana’s face was nothing but genuine.</p><p> </p><p>“Hi,” she said timidly, not sure how the young girl would react after not seeing her for so long.</p><p> </p><p>Instead, she looked up at Nayeon with an excited grin and tugged her hand. “Does this mean you broke up with that boy?”</p><p> </p><p>That seemed to break Nayeon out of her trance as she let out a loud cough and sent her sister a glare. “Don’t you have a friend to hang out with? Go away.” Seoyeon mirrored Nayeon’s glare, waved shyly at Sana, and then skipped off in the direction she came. Nayeon grumbled something under her breath as she turned to lead Sana to her bedroom, not waiting for her because she knew Sana knew the way. Something about it made Sana dizzy.</p><p> </p><p>“So…” Sana trailed off as they entered her room. The window was wide open and her room was freezing and Sana let herself smile because some things would never change. “Did you?” She asked with a smirk, to lighten the mood or torture herself, she wasn’t sure. “Break up with him, I mean.”</p><p> </p><p>“Do you really want to get into this?” Nayeon asked as she rubbed her eyes. Something in her tone made Sana’s smile drop. Maybe it was because Nayeon looked just as tired as Sana felt. Momo’s voice rang in her head as she started to realize that maybe she wasn’t the only one hurting here. The urge to apologize bubbled up in her chest but her stubbornness pushed it down as she took her backpack off and moved to sit on the floor. She kept her eyes on her hands as she pulled out the folder of notes she kept from tryouts, things she needed to remember when the time came for decision making. She didn’t let her gaze wander to the bed, where she would likely be able to see the outline of two girls giggling under the sheets, didn’t look at the window that still had her fingerprints all over them, didn’t look anywhere else in fear of remembering what she fought so hard to ignore.</p><p> </p><p>“Well, let’s get started.”</p><p> </p><p>It was awkward at first, and Sana could only blame herself for it because Nayeon wasn’t being cocky or a pain in the ass or anything that had come to be synonymous with <em> Nayeon </em>. Instead, she was actually being cooperative, letting Sana speak and listening to her ideas and something felt terribly off because, even at their best, Sana and Nayeon bickered like their lives depended on it. </p><p> </p><p>But, as the minutes turned to hours and the sun had long since set, they fell into a familiar rhythm that was equal parts push and pull. They ordered pizza at some point, and somewhere between their first and fourth slices, Nayeon had ended up right next to Sana as they giggled about some joke Nayeon made about Kim Yerim being a good option for a flyer, since she was the same size as her sister. Sana had her head tipped back as chuckles escaped her, she clutched at her sides as tears formed in her eyes and then she was taking deep breaths and coming back down to earth when her eyes locked on Nayeon’s smiling ones. There was something burning in Nayeon’s eyes that Sana hadn’t seen in a long time. Whether because it was missing or because Sana avoided looking into her eyes the way one would avoid looking at the sun, she didn’t know. Their laughter subsided until the only sound in the room was the steady beats of their breaths as they suddenly realized they were close enough to feel puffs of hot air on each other’s faces and, if Sana leaned forward just slightly, they would be touching and kissing and falling back into familiarity and-</p><p> </p><p>Sana pulled back. She let out a cough and then gently smiled as she tried to ignore her beast of a heart ramming against the confines of her chest. She ran through a few sentences in her head, tried to think of which would sound the most natural rolling from her tongue so she wouldn’t break the gentle peace they had created, but then Nayeon was speaking and Sana’s rampant thoughts fell into darkness as she focused on the voice she loved so much.</p><p> </p><p>“I missed this,” Nayeon admitted with a crooked smile. She gestured at the small space between them and shrugged like she was helpless—like, try as she might, she couldn’t avoid missing time spent with Sana. Sana felt breathless, felt like she was being dragged into some cruel joke because surely Nayeon couldn’t really mean that.</p><p> </p><p>“I-I missed this, too,” she said, because she never really stood a chance anyway.</p><p> </p><p>“Do you think we could be, like, friends? Or something.”</p><p> </p><p><em> Friends </em>.</p><p> </p><p>Sana’s blood ran cold and it felt like someone plunged a knife into her heart. Felt like she had been thrown into the ocean with a weight around her leg and she was drowning in the sea of her own emotions. She put on a smile though, one that she knew was tainted by sadness and something else that she didn’t understand—knew it, because Nayeon’s expression was an exact replica of her own. <em>Friends</em> was not what Sana wanted from Nayeon, but friends was something she could accept in place of the alternative. <em>Friends </em>was another change, another type of uncharted territory in the land of her relationship with Nayeon. But Sana knew it had to be a good change, or better, at least. Hating Nayeon was much more tiring than pretending not to love her.</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah,” she finally breathed out. “I’d like that.”</p><p> </p><p>The beam Nayeon sent her was worth the way her heart shattered into a million tiny pieces.</p><p> </p><p>It felt… <em> normal </em> after that. It was like they hadn’t spent months at each other’s throats, tearing each other down to nothing in their quests to prove they didn’t need each other, didn’t care about each other. They laughed much too loudly, in the way they often did, and it left an ache in Sana’s chest as she realized what a beautiful friendship they could’ve had all that time. The ache turned into something agonizing as she realized how they would’ve been even greater as lovers. She pushed those thoughts away, however, focusing instead on the positives. That included the way Nayeon leaned against her as she showed her something she had doodled on her notes while she was bored of watching the tryouts, and the way Nayeon had that smile on her face that Sana knew was only reserved for her. They were dancing on a fine line between introducing themselves to each other again, and reverting back to their old ways, ways that felt almost natural. Sana had to take a deep breath every time Nayeon got too close, had to steel herself so as to not kiss her because Nayeon looked <em> so kissable </em> with her hair in a messy ponytail and no makeup on and Sana was having a hard time remembering that Nayeon was not hers to kiss anymore, that she never was, really.</p><p> </p><p>Sana stayed even after they made their choice (Kim Yerim because, despite Nayeon’s jokes, they knew she was the best option,) stayed until her phone began to ring and her mother’s voice flowed from the speaker, asking where Sana was, when she’d be home. It was almost midnight and something about the fact that it felt as though Sana had only been there for a few fleeting moments made her head spin. Time never was a linear thing when she was in Nayeon’s room, as if she stepped into an alternate reality away from the world each time she was enveloped by those four walls.</p><p> </p><p>Nayeon walked her to the door. She had long since put Seoyeon and her friend to bed, and something about the way they tiptoed through the house sent a rush through Sana, feeling much like how she would feel sneaking to and from Nayeon’s bathroom in the dead of night. They didn’t hug before she left. There was a moment of hesitation, but Sana simply stood straighter, gave Nayeon a little wave and then she was on her way.</p><p> </p><p><em> This is moving on </em> , she thought. <em> I can do this. </em> And for the first time, she really believed it.</p><p> </p><p>[...]</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> MM: YOU’RE GOING WHERE? </em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em> MN: HELLO???? </em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em> MM: SANA ANSWER US </em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em> MM: UR GOING TO NAYEON’S H O US E ??? </em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em> MN: sana I swear to god if u don’t answer ur texts I’m not baking cookies for a month </em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em> MM: woah… wait, let’s not be rash here </em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em> MN: you’re not banned from cookies </em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em> MM: :D </em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em> MN: idiot </em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em> MM: D; </em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>so sorry for the long wait!! life got a bit hectic but i hope this chapter makes up for it. sanayeon becoming friends because of course every good friendship starts with a foundation of angsty, unresolved romantic tension! they're so smart </p><p>anyway i hope you're enjoying and as always i love to read your thoughts on the chapters!! see u next time :)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. six</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>
    <span>It was always cold during the dark nights spent in Nayeon’s room. Always the type of cold that forced you to sleep with two blankets and a pair of socks on. Then, however, the cold was forced out, away from the two girls as their warm giggles and fond gazes filled the air around them. Despite the lack of clothing, there was still sweat on Sana’s forehead as she exchanged soft kisses with Nayeon under the blanket. It was sweet and gentle and nothing like what they had been doing minutes prior and Sana briefly wondered if that was what love felt like. She wondered if love was the burning passion and desperate need that melted away into doting care and affection in the confines of a bedroom, with no one but the lovers as witnesses.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“You’re thinking too loud,” Nayeon mumbled, but her smile was genuine and her touch was soft and Sana felt helpless under her gaze. She reached out and traced the features of Nayeon’s face, watched the older girl’s eyes flutter shut at her ministrations. She ran her finger across every bump and contour and smooth plane of Nayeon’s face, let herself memorize the way she looked and felt, until Sana was sure she could paint her by memory. “I like when you do that.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Hm?”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I like when you touch my face like that,” Nayeon said shyly, eyes still closed, and Sana felt something warm flutter in her chest. “It feels nice.” Sana smiled, ran her thumb across Nayeon’s lip, up to her cheek, into her hair, and then she kissed her. She kissed her like they were in love and Nayeon kissed her back. It confused Sana for a moment, the desperation that Nayeon put into a kiss that was meant to be a short display of affection. It confused her because Nayeon pushed her back and kissed her hard and Sana figured maybe Nayeon needed to feel less loved and more wanted and the thought made her heart ache. (She should’ve known then, maybe.)</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>There were two sharp knocks on Nayeon’s door and Nayeon’s body was ripped from hers. Suddenly, Sana felt very cold. Her eyes snapped open and Nayeon looked like she was on the verge of passing out, urging Sana out of her bed and pushing her clothes into her hands while simultaneously trying to dress herself.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Nayeon?” They heard from outside.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Sana’s heart was thumping in her throat and the look on Nayeon’s face made her feel entirely too helpless, in a different way this time, as she pushed herself into the older girl’s closet and held her breath.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Coming!”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Sana felt light-headed, felt scared and embarrassed and she didn’t know where to look so she closed her eyes.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Oh, I thought you had someone over,” she heard Nayeon’s mother say after the door swung open.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“What?” Nayeon laughed and something twisted in Sana’s gut at how good her acting was. Like Sana was nothing more than a gust of wind through the trees, like a whisper in the middle of a crowd, like she didn’t really exist. “Oh, I was on the phone with Jihyo earlier.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Ah. Tell her to come by soon, Jeongyeon too.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I will, goodnight.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Goodnight.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>The door closed and a few beats passed. One, two, then Nayeon was breathing out a sigh of relief and Sana pushed out of the closet that felt like it was going to swallow her whole. Nayeon looked at her like she was about to laugh, about to joke about almost getting caught, or something else that would make Sana feel like she was being thrown into the ocean with nothing to stay afloat.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Sana moved quickly, pulling her hoodie on and walking toward the window.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Sana?” She ignored the other girl as she threw one leg over the windowsill. Then she looked at Nayeon and gave her a smile that felt entirely too forced.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I should go.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I thought you were sleeping-”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Goodnight, Nayeon.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>And then Sana was gone, turned into a gust of wind or a whisper in the night or something else entirely and she wondered if she disappeared from Nayeon’s mind the minute she disappeared from her sight.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Nayeon texted her later that night, sent a gif of a shiba and a bunny with a smiley face and a heart and Sana replied with a laughing face despite the tears that stained her pillowcase and then they were fine. Nayeon never apologized, and Sana figured there was never anything to apologize for, figured a gif of puppies was as much of an apology as she would need. (She should’ve known then, too, maybe.)</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>[...]</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“So, you guys are really friends now,” Momo noted with a smile that held too many implications for Sana to decipher. She had just finished saying bye to Nayeon after going over the plans for that evening’s practice before joining Momo and Mina at their usual table.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah,” Sana laughed. She couldn’t believe it either, not fully. It had been a weird week. Nothing really ground-breaking happened between Sana and Nayeon after their truce over the weekend, but there was the occasional smile or wave in the halls, or the </span>
  <em>
    <span>good morning’s </span>
  </em>
  <span>during class and it felt like progress.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m happy for you,” Mina chimed in.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“And </span>
  <em>
    <span>I’m </span>
  </em>
  <span>happy for </span>
  <em>
    <span>you,</span>
  </em>
  <span>” Sana said with a devious smirk. “It only took an elaborate scheme featuring Tzuyu and Chaeyoung, but here we are, girlfriends at last.” She basked in the exaggerated eyerolls that came from her best friends. As much as she enjoyed teasing them, she really was overjoyed with the fact that they were finally together.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“What do you mean </span>
  <em>
    <span>featuring</span>
  </em>
  <span>?” Sana heard from behind her, and then she grinned as Tzuyu and Chaeyoung occupied the seats next to her. “We did everything,” Tzuyu huffed.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, only because I had cheer practice,” Sana pouted.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Whatever you say.”</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m being discredited for my own mastermind plan!” Sana huffed in indignation. “I’ll sue.”</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“You have no solid evidence,” Mina pointed out with a sly smile and Sana glared at her.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“You take one law class and think you’ve passed the bar exam.”</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I have common sense, Sana-chan.”</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Momo, your girlfriend is being mean to me.”</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I think we should let her.”</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>[...]</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Yeri was very, </span>
  <em>
    <span>very </span>
  </em>
  <span>enthusiastic on the first day of practice that week.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Yeri was also very, </span>
  <em>
    <span>very </span>
  </em>
  <span>grateful that Sana and Nayeon chose her to join the squad. By extension, she kind of assumed that she was friends with them, Nayeon specifically, much to Sana’s amusement.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>(“It’s karma for all your jokes.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Karma can go to hell.”)</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>It made sense then, that a red-faced Nayeon stormed into the gymnasium with a gleeful Yeri behind her and really, Sana was proud that Nayeon hadn’t already exploded on the poor girl. (Sana briefly noted that Nayeon looked very, </span>
  <em>
    <span>very</span>
  </em>
  <span> good in her cheer uniform and- </span>
  <em>
    <span>what?</span>
  </em>
  <span> Friends were allowed to admire friends.)</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Control your junior before I crack and shake her to see if she glows,” Nayeon grumbled when she was face to face with Sana and the younger girl’s laugh carried throughout the entire gym. When she saw that all eyes were on her, she cleared her throat and stepped up to the front of the squad.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright, girls,” she started. “Competitive season starts in less than two weeks, so practices are going to be a lot more intense.” Sana allowed the collective groan that rose from the crowd before continuing, “I expect everyone to be giving their 100%, we have a reputation to uphold.”</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span> It went smoothly after that; much more smoothly than it went before her and Nayeon declared their newfound friendship. Even more so than before their… </span>
  <em>
    <span>thing</span>
  </em>
  <span>, Sana believed. Her and Nayeon had never been such a well-oiled machine and, even though Nayeon didn’t have an official title, it made Sana feel more comfortable knowing she had her sort of co-captain to fall back on again. By the end of practice, Nayeon seemed less tense, less worried about the state of their team for the upcoming competition as she was reminded of how hardworking all the girls on the squad were. She was even laughing as she watched Dahyun and Yeri compete for who had the best “show-face.” It was nice and somewhat comforting and Sana felt sore, as she always did after a good practice, but Coach Kang gave her a pat on the back for a job well done and that made it all worth it.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Most of all, Sana revelled in the way Nayeon settled next to her they did their cooldown stretches. It was unexpected, but not unwelcome, as Nayeon followed her lead and Sana felt contentment wash over her in waves. They made faces at each other and giggled like children and it felt so much like something normal that Sana barely realized how close they had gotten until someone was clearing their throat and they had to turn away from their ridiculous staring competition in response. Yeri was looking at them with bright red cheeks and only then did Sana notice that her and Nayeon had been mere inches away from each other’s faces.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Uh,” the younger girl said awkwardly. “Sorry to interrupt, I just wanted to make sure we were still on for tomorrow?” Sana jumped back under the guise of stretching her arms behind her and hoped to god that her face wasn’t as red as it felt.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Yup!” She squeaked out, high-pitched and jittery and Yeri could only give a thumbs up in response. Then the younger girl turned on her heel to follow Dahyun out of the gymnasium and Sana heaved a sigh of relief.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Good work today, Tozaki,” Nayeon said with a smug grin after her and Sana gathered their belongings, making their way to the parking lot.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“You are such a pain in the ass.”</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>A sharp, dramatic gasp filled the space between them. “I resent that.”</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I resent you.”</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“That doesn’t even make sense.”</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“What? Yes, it does,” Sana huffed petulantly as the older girl smirked at her.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Not in this context,” Nayeon shrugged.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“There you go, being a pain in my ass again.” Sana rolled her eyes at the delighted giggle that Nayeon let out, trying to hide the amused smiling that was threatening to curl her lips upwards. “Don’t you have somewhere to be? Other than in my business.”</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Nayeon threw her head back in a loud laugh and Sana didn’t let herself think about the butterflies that erupted in her stomach at the sound. Not for long, at least. “I was waiting for you to get picked up.” And </span>
  <em>
    <span>god damn, </span>
  </em>
  <span>Nayeon really wasn’t making it easy. “Or do you need a ride?”</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Sana sighed and looked at her phone. Momo was supposed to pick her up, but she had a strong feeling that the older girl had fallen asleep, if the unread texts and unanswered calls were any indication. She supposed she could have called Mina, knowing the younger girl would have come in a heartbeat </span>
  <em>
    <span>and </span>
  </em>
  <span>would’ve scolded Momo for falling asleep, but then she looked up at Nayeon once more and saw something delicate on her face. Something hesitant and caring and Sana remembered they were friends now. So, she pocketed her phone once more and smiled.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Would you mind?”</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Nayeon grinned like she won the lottery and it made Sana’s heart leap in her chest.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Ladies first,” Nayeon said with a bow as she allowed Sana to walk ahead of her to her car. Sana rolled her eyes again but couldn’t fight the smile that crept up onto her face any longer. She figured they were friends before anything, kind of, and they could be friends after. It would work, she felt certain. (She didn’t think about the ache in her chest every time the setting sun caught on Nayeon’s face just right, or when she caught Nayeon humming to the radio in a way that set her heart on fire. Definitely didn’t think about the pain that coursed through her like acid when she remembered that Nayeon wasn’t hers.)</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you in a rush to get home?” Nayeon suddenly asked, turning her head for a quick moment to look at Sana before her eyes were back on the road.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Hm?” Sana responded, not quite registering the words right away after being pulled out of her thoughts so suddenly. “Oh, no,” she shrugged. “Why?”</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Nayeon smiled a hopeful smile that tugged at Sana’s heartstrings and the word </span>
  <em>
    <span>yes </span>
  </em>
  <span>was on her tongue before Nayeon even uttered a word of explanation. “I’m-” the grumbling of her stomach interrupted her, “a little hungry…” Nayeon trailed off sheepishly and Sana could only laugh obnoxiously at her.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright, I think I earned a good meal.”</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>It wasn’t until Nayeon pulled into the parking lot of a diner that they used to frequent together, that Sana remembered they lived in a small town and Nayeon had unknowingly painted Sana’s world in her colours. Sana gulped once, twice, and then opened the car door. She could make new memories, if she tried. She could make memories of two friends instead of two tragic lovers that were maybe never meant to love each other. She swallowed the thoughts and put on a smile and decided everything would be fine if she allowed it to be.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>They sat in a booth that was in a far corner, tucked away from the rest of the diner, and Sana found a small victory in the fact that it was not their usual table. She mentally cursed herself for thinking about their </span>
  <em>
    <span>usual</span>
  </em>
  <span> anything. Everything with Nayeon was meant to be new. Sana had to learn to let go of the past and relearn things about Nayeon as a friend above anything else, and she was determined to do just that.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“What are you getting?” She asked as she scanned over the menu that she could’ve probably recited by heart. When she looked up to Nayeon giving her an incredulous look, she felt her throat tighten.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“What I always get.” It was a simple answer, one that Sana understood well, but the implication of Nayeon alluding to their past made her feel dizzy and she just nodded her head dumbly in agreement.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Same.”</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>It was awkward for a beat after that. Neither of them knowing where to look but knowing they didn’t want to look at each other. Sana drummed her fingers along the laminated menu as she looked at the chips in the painted wall like they were the most fascinating thing in the world. It was awkward until the waiter came to take their order and he had the most ridiculous mustache on his face and the two girls looked at each other knowingly as he turned to leave before they erupted into a fit of laughter.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“There is no way that’s real!” Nayeon wheezed as she laughed her obnoxiously loud laugh. Sana felt tears pricking at her eyes because there was probably nothing more amusing than Nayeon’s laugh. They laughed for far too long, over a joke that was far too unfunny, but it didn’t matter. Because the sun had finished setting and Nayeon looked beautiful even under the fluorescent lighting of the diner, but Sana was more focused on their banter than that fact and it felt a little like moving on. They spent the next few hours digging into their food and discussing every topic under the sun before Nayeon figured they should head home. Momo had blown up her phone with apologies and Nayeon, with a sneaky smile and a devilish glint in her eyes, had convinced her to pretend that she walked home. They shared another hearty laugh when Momo offered to buy her lunch for the next week and Sana realized she liked being Nayeon’s friend. More than she liked being her enemy, at least. Not as much as she liked kissing her, maybe.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>When Nayeon pulled into Sana’s driveway, they both had lingering smiles on their faces from whatever joke Nayeon had just made and it felt nothing like the tension-filled ride from the last time they were in that position. Sana looked over at Nayeon and smiled and something settled warmly in her chest when Nayeon smiled back. Sana wasn’t naïve. She knew her heart was still raw and heavy, and the most miniscule setback would set flame to it, but then, in that moment, she let herself pretend like she was okay. She pretended like what she had with Nayeon was enough, like she didn’t crave the other girl’s touch, like she didn’t need Nayeon to love her in the way Sana was convinced she never could. She pretended and, for the time being, it would be enough.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks for the ride,” she said as she unlocked the car door. There was something electric in the air, and Sana felt like every bit of her skin was a live wire, like if she touched the wrong thing the whole car would feel the shock. Nayeon’s smile might’ve done it, too. “Goodnight, Nayeon,” she said softly. The weight of the words settled heavy on her shoulders as she recalled too many </span>
  <em>
    <span>goodnights</span>
  </em>
  <span> that ended in tears. But Nayeon was smiling, and Sana smiled back.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Goodnight, Sana.”</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>And then Sana was out of the car, and Nayeon was out of her sight, turning into a gust of wind or a whisper in the night, or something else entirely. (But Nayeon would never disappear from her mind, not fully, at least.)</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Well! some angst, some fluff, mostly a filler chapter! i think based on what i have planned there should be about three chapters left and i'm really excited to get to the end</p><p>as always i love to read comments because they motivate me so much ahh i hope you enjoyed!</p><p>(p.s. if you want some pure sanayeon fluff, i posted a oneshot not too long ago (disclaimer; they're MILFS))</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. seven</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Sana had been competing practically her whole life. It was small, at first, with spelling bees and science fairs, (with Nayeon, too,) so she had expected that cheerleading competitions wouldn’t that far off. She prided herself on working to be good at everything she did, to put her heart and soul into things because the results were a reflection of her effort and she liked the shiny trophies and the A pluses. Cheer competitions were nothing like she had been expecting.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>After the first one, Sectionals in freshman year, she had turned to Nayeon and asked </span>
  <em>
    <span>is this what a heart attack feels like? </span>
  </em>
  <span>because her heart was beating so fast that she thought she could see it through her uniform. Her head was spinning with adrenaline and glee and the roaring crowd just added to what she could only describe as pure euphoria. They won first place and the smile on her face didn’t disappear until she fell asleep that night.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Competitions were still as exciting in her senior year, still as nerve-wracking and wondrous as the very first one she experienced at fourteen. It was different, however, because she knew what to expect. She was more confident and surer of herself. Her team was like an extension of her, in a way, because they were the same girls she had been with for the past four years and they worked like they shared one mind.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Something that would never change, though, was Sana’s tendency to stress herself into the ground. The way she took the weight of the world onto her shoulders and refused to share. That only got worse once she became captain and everyone began to look to her as their guide to victory. She’d already taken her team through to one National championship as the captain, and with the additional win in their first competition of the season, she’d be leading them through to Regionals in the next week.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>She hadn’t lost a cheer competition once, and she did not plan on starting in her senior year.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Earth to Sana.” There was a hand waving in her face and Sana jerked back as she was pulled from her thoughts. Momo was looking at her with her face all scrunched up in what Sana knew to be her ‘worried’ face, and she heaved a sigh at the inevitable conversation they were about to have. “Did you sleep at all last night?”</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah,” she mumbled as she picked through her salad. Momo frowned.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“How long?”</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know, a couple hours?”</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“You said that yesterday.” Sana sighed heavily and finally looked up to meet her best friend’s eyes after hearing the worry in her voice. “I know you’re worried about the competition, but you won’t be a better captain if you’re a sleep-deprived zombie.”</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m fine, see?” She put on an overly cheerful smile before letting it drop as she popped a carrot into her mouth.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Mitang, please talk some sense into her,” Momo whined. “She doesn’t listen to me.” Mina put her phone down on the table and eyed Sana carefully.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“You have to nap when you come over after school.”</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“But-”</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“No buts. Momo’s right, losing sleep won’t benefit anyone but your competition,” Mina said sternly. Sana put on her best puppy dog face, pout and all, before whining when Mina simply narrowed her eyes. “I’m immune to your cuteness, Minatozaki.”</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“No fair,” Sana huffed. She stuffed more of the vegetables into her mouth as she pretended to be mad when Mina and Momo high-fived each other. </span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“So,” the three girls heard someone say. “We’re still riding to Regionals together, right?” Chaeyoung asked Momo as she plopped next to Sana with Tzuyu by her side. Sana looked at her in confusion for a moment before Chaeyoung flashed her a charming smile that had her dimples showing.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re coming?” She asked curiously.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Gotta show up for our one and only Sana, don’t we?” Sana felt her mouth lift up into a wide grin at the words, because something about her friends wanting to come to an event that was important to her made her heart flutter and she threw her arms around the two younger girls in response.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>She felt more awake than she had all week and suddenly, her stress about the competition began to fade into background noise as she conversed with the four girls at her table. </span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>[...]</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>She always enjoyed running at night. There was a calmness in the air, a familiarity in the chilly wind that she broke through with each stride. There were no people, no cars zooming past, no real signs of life and Sana enjoyed pretending like she was the only person left on Earth, if only for a few moments. She liked the way that the cold night air pressed against her heated skin like an ice pack every time she finished a lap; loved how it felt chilling her lungs with each inhale even more. It was peaceful in a way that Sana hadn’t experienced often, and she drank up every moment of it. Especially on that particular March night, right before Regionals. She needed some sort of outlet for her nerves, some way to escape the racing thoughts of </span>
  <em>
    <span>maybe I’m not good enough</span>
  </em>
  <span>, and </span>
  <em>
    <span>was I really the right choice for captain? </span>
  </em>
  <span>(She made sure to push aside the concerns about Nayeon that had yet to leave her system, even after the first few months of tentative friendship.)</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey, bigshot,” Sana heard as she wiped the sweat from her forehead. She looked up to see Nayeon in a baggy T-shirt and spandex shorts and she lifted her water bottle to her lips for a long sip, due to her newly finished lap around the track, of course.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey,” she nodded in greeting. “What’re you doing here?”</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Same as you, I guess.”</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Sana didn’t answer right away, partially because she was still catching her breath and partially because she was beginning to realize that her and Nayeon would seemingly never be able to escape each other. There was a certain inevitability to their relationship and the idea settled uneasily in the pit of her stomach.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you nervous?” She asked. There were other questions to be answered, she figured. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Are you ready? Have you gotten that stain out of your uniform yet? Did you ever love me? </span>
  </em>
  <span>But she settled for the one she needed to know in that moment. Because maybe </span>
  <em>
    <span>she</span>
  </em>
  <span> was nervous, and maybe she needed to pull strength from Nayeon’s confidence.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah.” And Sana figured there was as much confidence in honesty as someone could get.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Me too,” she sighed. She took a seat on the pavement as Nayeon stretched. It felt familiar, reminding her of the many times they had been in positions like that, before everything, even; like when Sana had first been chosen as captain and Nayeon had asked to train with her. Nayeon wanted to learn and Sana wanted to prove she was good enough. To who, she wasn’t sure, but she figured they were as good as they were because they pushed each other to their limits, even before they realized it.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re great, you know.” The sudden confession left Sana slightly out of breath and she brushed it off as a gust of wind that was too strong for her lungs to tackle. When she didn’t answer, Nayeon looked down at her and huffed out a laugh. “You really don’t know it, do you?”</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“What are you talking about?” Sana asked. Her heart was beating too fast and her leg was shaking too much and then Nayeon squatted down so they were eye-level and Sana lost any semblance of control she thought she had.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ve been trying to be great for my whole life,” the older girl spoke, looking into Sana’s eyes with a type of confidence that said she had nothing to lose. “You just… </span>
  <em>
    <span>are</span>
  </em>
  <span>.”</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s not tr-”</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m always up for a good argument, especially with you,” Sana rolled her eyes, “but this is one you can’t win.” Nayeon stood back up and reached for Sana’s hand. “It’s why I could never resent you for becoming captain. A part of me knew you deserved it more than anyone, and you’ve done nothing but prove that since then.” Sana felt like she could cry at the sudden sincerity. “You’re great, Sana. You’re great today, you were great yesterday, and you’ll </span>
  <em>
    <span>be </span>
  </em>
  <span>great for the rest of your life.” There was something in her voice, some level of desperation that said she needed Sana to believe her. There had always been a level of desperation in the way they interacted with each other, Sana figured—desperate to win, desperate to keep a secret, desperate to be stronger, now, maybe, desperate to find a middle ground.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Sana felt tears pricking at her eyes and pulled Nayeon into a hug before she could process her actions. The older girl said nothing, though, simply pulled Sana closer and laughed about </span>
  <em>
    <span>getting soft</span>
  </em>
  <span> and then Sana was laughing too, and she felt like she could breathe for the first time in weeks. It felt a lot like sharing the weight on her shoulders and she wasn’t scared of it, for once. She mentally added </span>
  <em>
    <span>gives great peptalks </span>
  </em>
  <span>to her list of pros of a friendship with Nayeon, right next to </span>
  <em>
    <span>is funny</span>
  </em>
  <span> and </span>
  <em>
    <span>is worse than me at 8-ball on iMessage</span>
  </em>
  <span>. It was a list that she spent months compiling, one that she would add to until she, one day, stopped trying to find cons to whatever it was they had and just let herself enjoy the friendship they had come to learn to share. </span>
  <em>
    <span>That day is not today</span>
  </em>
  <span>, she thought sadly as she pulled away from Nayeon’s warmth with a smile.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“One more lap with me?” Nayeon asked, hopeful and patient and Sana fell victim to her puppy eyes for the nth time since they became friends again.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“You sure you can keep up, grandma?” She giggled mischievously and then she was off like a bullet. She heard Nayeon shout something like </span>
  <em>
    <span>I’m three months older! </span>
  </em>
  <span>but there was wind in her ears and if she closed her eyes, she could pretend like she was flying.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>It was peaceful before, but knowing Nayeon was behind her, trying to catch up and pass her, made it feel exhilarating. There was something to be said about wanting to be chased, but it slipped off the tip of her tongue as she passed the end mark of the track and circled back around to her water bottle. Nayeon frowned at her in the playful way Sana had grown used to and it was enough for Sana to stay until Nayeon was done with her laps and they rode their bikes home in a gentle silence that neither felt too compelled to break.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Then there was a fork in the road, and they had to go their separate ways. It felt a lot like a choice that they had no say in and Sana could’ve laughed at the relevance of it all.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, see you tomorrow, captain,” Nayeon said playfully. Sana let out a chuckle and lifted her hand to her forehead in a salute.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“See you,” she said, barely more than a whisper, but Nayeon heard and it was enough.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>[...]</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>The loud chatter of the packed bleachers was always enough to get Sana’s nerves buzzing. Regionals was being held close to home for them, luckily, which meant their school colours dominated the rows upon rows of people. Sana could pinpoint which exact splotches of black and red belonged to her friends, having memorized their seats by heart as they filed in. She smiled when she saw her parents next to Momo, holding up a sign with her name on it that would’ve embarrassed her four years ago.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Nice artwork,” Nayeon mumbled softly next to her. Sana almost jumped at her appearance, and then settled back into the state of calmness she was trying to achieve.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“They like to go over the top sometimes,” Sana sighed. “Is your family here?” A question she regretted as soon as she saw Nayeon tense at the words.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Uh, no.” A pause. “They left with Seoyeon to our cabin for spring break.” Sana couldn’t shake the frown from her face. She would’ve told Momo to make a sign for Nayeon too. “Jihyo and Jeong are here, though,” Nayeon smiled as she spotted her friends in the crowd and Sana figured they were her family, too.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“You’ll do great today,” she said for no reason other than wanting Nayeon to know. “I know it.”</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Nayeon smiled at her, searching, searching, </span>
  <em>
    <span>searching</span>
  </em>
  <span>, for something that Sana didn’t understand, and then Nayeon hugged her, and Sana hugged back.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you,” she heard, mumbled into her shoulder and it was enough.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>[...]</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Winning was inevitable, in hindsight. They were the favourite to win and their statistics blew their competitors out of the water. Sectionals and Regionals were a walk in the park compared to what Nationals would be. Sana still felt like she had just won Gold at the Olympics.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>The team cheered and celebrated and Sana doubled over in laughter as she saw Nayeon and Sooyoung hoist Yeri onto their shoulders as the small girl tried to not let the trophy slip from her grasp. It felt right, the way the team was together. It felt right, the way Nayeon’s eyes were shining with pure joy and admiration for her team, for their victory, for… </span>
  <em>
    <span>Sana. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sana gulped as Nayeon’s gleeful gaze landed on her and it felt like time slowed down. Felt like a scene out of one of those cheesy romcoms where everything faded away until it was just her and Nayeon, like Sana was supposed to walk up to the older girl and kiss her before the credits began to roll. But it wasn’t a romcom, and Sana wasn’t getting the girl, and Nayeon was sending her a teasing wink that forced Sana to tune back into her surroundings. She was wrapped up in a tight bear hug from Mina before she could become wrapped up in her feelings and suddenly nothing else mattered.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>The celebratory party was being held at Nayeon’s house. She claimed that it was last minute and that it was </span>
  <em>
    <span>fate, or something, </span>
  </em>
  <span>but the copious amounts of snacks and liquor told Sana that Nayeon had a strong feeling they would be winning and the thought sent a spike of adrenaline down her spine, because Nayeon believed in them, believed in </span>
  <em>
    <span>her</span>
  </em>
  <span>. It was exhilarating.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Minatozaki Sana! I’m looking for Minatozaki Sana!” Sana heard over the pounding bass of whatever song Chaeyoung had playing. Sana felt her face go red as she watched Nayeon scan the room and shout her name and she contemplated hiding from the tipsy girl before Nayeon’s eyes caught on hers and the older girl sent a maniacal grin her way. “Sana-yah! Come here!”</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Sana pushed her way through the crowd of people and begrudgingly joined Nayeon in standing on the coffee table as the older girl threw an arm around her.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“A toast!” Nayeon shouted. The music volume lowered as the crowd became entranced by the captivating force that was Im Nayeon. “To our talented, dedicated, hardest working captain. Give it up for Sana!” Everybody cheered, whether because they believed Sana deserved a toast or because they wanted an excuse to down their drinks, but then Nayeon leaned in close and Sana found that she couldn’t care less either way. “Bottoms up, Tozaki,” she muttered into Sana’s ear as she shoved a shot glass into her hand and Sana was throwing it back without a second thought because Nayeon’s presence was intoxicating and Sana figured a few more drinks wouldn’t hurt.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>They were separated after that, Nayeon pulled into a hug by a drunk, hyperactive Jihyo, while Sana was pulled into crowd after crowd that wanted to talk to the captain. There was a sudden influx of attention on her after Nayeon’s little toast, which led to an increase of shots handed to her, and Sana quickly found herself swaying on her feet next to a giggly Mina that was trying to keep up with the rhythm of Momo’s dancing. She’d only been drunk with Mina a handful of times, but it was enough to know that her and Momo became very, </span>
  <em>
    <span>very </span>
  </em>
  <span>touchy after a certain point of inebriation. Sana let it go with minimal teasing, usually, because they refrained from PDA more than your average couple and it was cute seeing them kiss and hug and giggle around each other. Maybe it was the party atmosphere, or the song that was playing, but their sudden PDA was </span>
  <em>
    <span>not </span>
  </em>
  <span>cute, nor innocent, or any of the things Sana had begun to equate with her two best friends, so she found herself slipping away from them and out of the sweaty crowd as she went upstairs to use the bathroom.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>She was hit with a sudden rush of cool air as she reached the top of the steps. The party suddenly felt a million years away as she walked the familiar path to the bathroom. She stopped a few steps short though, when she noticed Nayeon’s door was ajar. Her face contorted into confusion because she was still drunk and she wasn’t sure what exactly was going on, but she figured if anyone had accidentally stumbled into Nayeon’s room it was her obligation to kick them out. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She was expecting anything, really. Maybe someone looking for the bathroom, maybe a gross couple making out, or someone that had too much to drink passed out on the bed. She didn’t expect to see Nayeon sitting at her desk, tears in her eyes as she held something in her hands. Sana forced her shaky eyes to focus and she couldn’t stop the gasp that left her lips when she realized Nayeon was holding the stuffed bunny Sana had bought for her that summer.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Nayeon?” She croaked out, voice hoarse from singing too much, too loudly, and Nayeon’s eyes snapped up to meet hers. Sana shivered. The window was open, and she distantly figured that was where the cool air was coming from. She should’ve known, anyway.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh,” Nayeon mumbled. Her eyes were red, and Sana felt her heart ache because the night was supposed to be about celebrating and Nayeon was hiding—was hurting.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you okay?” She asked, taking a few shaky steps forward. She must’ve miscalculated the distance between them, because suddenly they were standing much too close and even the cool breeze from the open window couldn’t wipe the rising flush from her face.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I— um, yeah,” Nayeon forced out, but her eyes were still red, and Sana’s heart still ached, so she reached out and put her hand on Nayeon’s cheek. Her skin felt hot, damp from tears and Sana’s breath hitched as they made eye contact.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“You can talk to me, Nayeon,” she said gently. The party was long forgotten, the music nothing more than a dull vibration beneath their feet. Sana thought maybe they could create new melodies to the sounds of their breaths intertwining, maybe they could dance to the sound of two broken hearts beating to the same jagged rhythm.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know how,” Nayeon whispered out shakily. She looked down at the toy in her hands and sighed. Sana felt her heart break, just a little bit, and she swiped her thumb over Nayeon’s cheek. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Before she could stop herself, like muscle memory, her thumb trailed over Nayeon’s eyelid, down her nose, across her lips. And, like every time they were in that position, it ended with a kiss. It was Nayeon, though, who pulled Sana in by the back of her neck and kissed her. Like she loved her, like she had a lifetime of apologies that could only be understood through the gentle caress of their lips on each other. And Sana kissed her back. She kissed her until their bodies were pressed together against the creaking frame of Nayeon’s desk chair, until they were gasping for breath more than they were kissing, until she looked into Nayeon’s eyes that were blown wide with adrenaline and understanding. And then she jumped back.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Sana pulled herself away from Nayeon and backed up against the opposite wall like she had been burned and Nayeon was standing up like she was about to beg Sana to stay.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Sana, I-”</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“You have a boyfriend, Nayeon,” Sana forced out. Her lips stung and her heart ached and the look of desperation was back on Nayeon’s face in a way Sana had never seen it before.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I broke up with him.”</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Sana felt like the wind had been knocked from her lungs. She felt like the gentle breeze from the window would be enough to push her to her knees because, surely, she had to be hearing things.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“You—</span>
  <em>
    <span>what?</span>
  </em>
  <span>” She managed to rasp out. The bass was beating against the floors the way Sana’s heart was beating against her ribcage as she held on to Nayeon’s every breath in hope of some sort of explanation.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“A couple weeks ago,” Nayeon nodded. When Sana didn’t respond, she moved forward and picked up both of the girl’s shaking hands in hers. “Sana, please, listen.” And Sana didn’t really have a choice. A fork in the road where the decision was made for her, and all she could do was hold on for the ride. “I’ve been trying to find the right time to tell you. I broke up with him because I realized I never wanted him. I just wanted you. Every time I looked at him, I tried to see you. I was scared and- and insecure and I couldn’t understand how strongly I felt for you, so I took the first opportunity to run from it.” A shaky breath filled the silence. Sana’s eyes were fixed on the ground. “That was the biggest mistake I’ve ever made, Sana. And over the past couple of months, I realized I couldn’t run from you. You will always be you and I will always be in love with you.”</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>The words made Sana snap her eyes up to Nayeon and it felt like her brain was finally catching up on what was happening. She pulled her hands out of Nayeon’s loose grasp and willed away her tears.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p><span>“You don’t get to say that,” she said, voice shaky and low and dangerous. “You don’t get to say that after you broke my heart and then asked me to lock away the pieces just so we could be </span><em><span>friends</span></em><span>.” Sana snarled out the last word and thought Nayeon almost flinched at it. “I’ve spent months trying to move on from this, from </span><em><span>you</span></em><span>, because I’m so in love with you that I’d rather settle for being your friend than being nothing at all. And you just—just walk all over that because you’ve decided you’re ready.” She scoffed, balled her hands into fists because they just</span> <span>wouldn’t stop shaking, and then she said, with a quiet breath and a mouthful of anguish, “you’re a selfish person, Nayeon.”</span></p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“You told me you wanted to end it, too,” Nayeon said weakly, but her voice was as watery as the tears that slipped past her eyes and Sana felt hurt course through her veins.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Look me in the eyes and tell me you believed that for one second.” Nayeon’s eyes stayed fixed on the ground. She looked ashamed, heartbroken, </span>
  <em>
    <span>guilty</span>
  </em>
  <span>, and Sana mustered up all the strength she had to turn for the door.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ve been in love with you since we were kids.” Sana’s wrist burned where Nayeon held it. She felt the words dig into the cracks of her heart and she wanted to laugh at how tragic they must’ve looked.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I wish you had told me that before it was too late.”</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>It felt like another piece of her heart breaking off, another piece that was meant for Nayeon, that would stay in that room forever, and Sana didn’t look back as she left it behind.</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>and... BOOM. this was actually the chapter I had planned out the most and was the most excited to write, which is why it's coming out so soon after the last update. I think it needs to be said that I know absolutely nothing about cheerleading competitions and all of my information is coming from glee</p><p>besides that, i hope you enjoyed reading and, as always, kudos and comments are always appreciated :)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. eight</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>hiiiii!!! it's been so long :(</p><p>if you’ve read any of my more recent works i’m sure you’d be able to tell my writing style has shifted drastically, so it’s been a bit of a struggle to revisit this story and figure out how i’d like to continue it. </p><p>in the end i decided to write what i would be proud of and im now in the process of revising the older chapters to make them more consistent/overall something i would personally want to reread (the plot will be the exact same though so it’s not necessary to reread anything!!) </p><p>but anyway i hope you enjoy! i'm excited to finish this up</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p> </p><p>Minutes bleed into hours and hours bleed into days when you desperately push yourself into an absence of feeling. Sana thought she was a master at it, maybe. A master at deflecting and ignoring and never quite dealing with the impending doom that settled heavily on her shoulders on the worst of days. </p><p> </p><p>Spring break brought with it empty hours and painful nights and Sana’s mastery didn’t account for weeks of loneliness. </p><p> </p><p>Her phone stayed off, that was the first rule. She pushed away both Mina and Momo because they were sound and realistic and Sana needed time to be outlandishly heartbroken. Needed time to not think about the intricacies of whatever she was feeling because she wasn’t sure if she could handle getting to the root of it. </p><p> </p><p>Instead, she threw herself into anything that was draining enough for her head to pound and her muscles to ache. Anything that would force her headfirst into slumber despite the echoing thoughts trying to keep her afloat consciousness. </p><p> </p><p>That day—the last day of spring break—the <em> anything </em> happened to be her untouched history project that filled her stomach with dread. It bubbled and boiled and made her feel nauseous. </p><p> </p><p>Because the universe was sick and Nayeon was her partner. </p><p> </p><p>It felt like just the thought of the older girl would send Sana crumbling to pieces. Which was why every time her eyes landed on the barely-started project with Nayeon’s bubbly handwriting, she held her breath and pushed it further down her to-do list. </p><p> </p><p>It’s funny, how even the most meticulously avoided thoughts somehow find their way back to you. </p><p> </p><p>Funny and horribly, terribly vile. </p><p> </p><p>The sun slid down the sky like it was too tired to hold on and Sana watched it from the window of the library. It sunk like the weight in her stomach telling her that something was wrong, like it had every day before. Before long, the library was bathed in the secrets of the sunset and then in the darkness of the night and Sana wasn’t sure which unsettled her more. </p><p> </p><p>It was easy to think of Nayeon when the colours stopped dancing and the moon opened the sky for a conversation. </p><p> </p><p>It was easy to think of her laugh and her smile and her horrible declaration of love that twisted Sana’s heart until it couldn’t tell left from right. It was entirely effortless, the way Nayeon’s voice danced along the crowded halls of her mind, echoing along the walls until Sana was on her knees and begging for mercy. </p><p> </p><p>Sana packed her things and decided to ignore the empty space on the project she made no progress with. </p><p> </p><p>The moon shone bright and menacing as she threw her leg over her bike and began to pedal away. It shone like a reminder of the awful dimness that had been growing inside her and stealing her time and her joy and her—</p><p> </p><p>“Hey!” Sana heard, loud and panting and desperate. She turned her head, heart pounding when she saw who was behind her. </p><p> </p><p>“Jihyo?” She called back, watching the girl slow from her high speed until she stopped her bike next to Sana, heavy breaths falling from her lips. </p><p> </p><p>“Momo told me you would probably be at the library,” Jihyo said once she finally calmed her aching lungs. “Can we talk?” </p><p> </p><p>A nervous storm built itself to a peak in Sana’s chest. There was only one thing Jihyo would need to talk to her about—only one person. </p><p> </p><p>“Yeah,” she found herself saying despite the bile rising in her throat. </p><p> </p><p>Meticulously avoided thoughts will always find their way back. </p><p> </p><p>[...]</p><p> </p><p>Sana pushed the door open and winced at the ding of the familiar bell above her head. It was a quiet night, just enough conversation to fill the café with the buzz of life that Sana had grown to love over the years. Jihyo trailed behind her, fingers twitching with nerves and the act made Sana’s heart constrict painfully. </p><p> </p><p>The ride to the café had been quiet, neither girl knowing how to make small-talk with the elephant weighing on their shoulders and making it hard to breathe. </p><p> </p><p>“What’s your order?” Sana asked as they settled into a table nestled in the far corner. </p><p> </p><p>“I can pay for it,” Jihyo muttered, pulling her wallet out of her jacket pocket and Sana smiled at the futile gesture despite herself. </p><p> </p><p>“It’s alright,” she promised, placing a hand over Jihyo’s to stop her. “I have an in with the owner.”</p><p> </p><p>Jihyo made a small noise of recognition, half-smile gracing her face. “This is Momo’s mom’s place?” Sana nodded, waited for her to speak again. “An americano, then,” she smiled graciously. </p><p> </p><p>As Sana walked to the counter, she thanked whoever was listening that neither Momo nor her mother were working. Never had she been so relieved to see Dahyun’s smiling face behind the register. </p><p> </p><p>“Oh, hey, Sana,” Dahyun greeted with a little wave. “Busy night?”</p><p> </p><p>Sana ran a hand over her face and mustered up the best smile she could manage. “Something like that.”</p><p> </p><p>“The usual, then?” </p><p> </p><p>“And an americano, please.”</p><p> </p><p>Dahyun glanced behind her, saw Jihyo curled up in a chair in the back and gave Sana a confused sort of smile. “I didn’t know you and Jihyo were friends.”</p><p> </p><p>“Neither did I,” Sana sighed mostly to herself. Either Dahyun didn’t hear it, or she was kind enough to ignore it as she turned around to get their drinks ready. </p><p> </p><p>She left a tip in the jar when Dahyun wasn’t looking and spent ten long strides trying to quell the nausea building in her stomach. </p><p> </p><p>“Thanks,” Jihyo mumbled into the cup, barely letting it cool down before she took a sip. </p><p> </p><p>“So...” Sana started, drumming her fingers along her cup and feeling entirely out of her league. “How was your break?”</p><p> </p><p>And then Jihyo set her cup down, and she smiled, and she told Sana how her break was. </p><p> </p><p>[...]</p><p> </p><p>Sana could’ve counted on one hand the amount of words her and Jihyo had spoken to each other prior to that quiet night with a menacing moon and coffee that never seemed to run out. But once they started talking, it felt like they couldn’t stop. </p><p> </p><p>Maybe it was the anxiety fuelling the conversation, pushing away the real topic of the night until it was barely hanging to the edge of the table. Or maybe it was just that the two were more alike than they could’ve dreamed. </p><p> </p><p>“I can’t believe you’ve spent your break holed up in the library,” Jihyo teased with a smile that picked at Sana’s defences. She sunk deeper in her seat and pulled her freshly filled cup closer to her lips. </p><p> </p><p>“Like you’re much better,” she huffed. “You spent the entire thing planning prom.”</p><p> </p><p>Jihyo’s smile was bright and unabashed and Sana found herself wishing it could stay on her face forever. “And when we’re having the time of our lives, you can thank me for it. Besides, I haven’t had much reason to go out.”</p><p> </p><p>Maybe it was the clock ticking a lazy tune or the warmth of the café or Jihyo’s bright eyes, but Sana found herself asking <em> why </em> before she could let the implications mull over in her heart. </p><p> </p><p>“Jeongyeon’s out of town for soccer training and Nayeon’s, uh...” Jihyo trailed off, looked to the ground as she winced at her own words. </p><p> </p><p>“Right,” Sana sighed. “We should get to what you wanted to talk about, then.”</p><p> </p><p>“Look,” Jihyo started, voice considerably softer from the confident, booming presence Sana was so accustomed to. “I’m not here to invalidate whatever you’re feeling,” she promised, wrapped the words around Sana’s pinky like she meant it. </p><p> </p><p>“Okay,” Sana breathed out, curled tighter into herself because she truly, honestly did not expect to be confronting her feelings in front of Park Jihyo of all people. </p><p> </p><p>“Nayeon is... an idiot,” Jihyo sighed. “She has the emotional intelligence of a nut and she’s so, so scared.” Sana didn’t ask of what, figured she already knew the answer. “But she’s not a bad person, and she doesn’t deserve the hand she’s been dealt in life,” Jihyo said it with a firmness and sincerity that made Sana want to shrink back into herself. </p><p> </p><p>“I don’t know what you want me to do,” Sana said—blatantly lied, they both knew. Jihyo looked at her with something like pity and bile rose like a burning ache in the back of her throat. </p><p> </p><p>“She told me, you know. Told me everything. Do you know the guy she was dating?” Sana shook her head. No, she didn’t. “His father is the head of admissions at the law school Nayeon’s parents have been eyeing up since she was in diapers,” Jihyo said with a bitter laugh that left acid in its wake. “A perfect set up, huh?”</p><p> </p><p>“Her parents set it up?” Sana asked, looked wonderfully stupid, she was aware. </p><p> </p><p>“For someone so smart, you really are stupid,” Jihyo sighed. And then, “no offence.” </p><p> </p><p>Sana grumbled because she had no grounds to defend herself. </p><p> </p><p>“You made her happy, Sana,” Jihyo continued, leaned forward in her seat like everything she was saying was important. Sana leaned forward too. “She didn’t deal with any of this well, I can see that. But does that mean she deserves to be miserable?” Jihyo asked it like she was asking the universe and Sana suddenly felt the weight of the world settle on her shoulders. “She did everything to be the perfect daughter, and now her parents won’t even speak to her.”</p><p> </p><p>“What?” Sana asked, snapped out desperately. </p><p> </p><p>Jihyo looked like she had been caught in headlights and Sana felt something anxious gripping her chest and—</p><p> </p><p>“She came out to them.” Earthquakes trembled in her veins. “Right before Regionals. They’re still out of town with Seoyeon.” </p><p> </p><p>“Why?” She breathed, wasn’t sure what she was even asking. “Why would she do that? I didn’t need her to be out... I just—I just—“</p><p> </p><p>“I mean this in the nicest way possible,” Jihyo interrupted, “the sun doesn’t revolve around you,” she sighed out. “She did it for herself.” </p><p> </p><p>The café fell silent as Sana tried to stay afloat amidst the violent waters that burst through the dam Jihyo had broken. </p><p> </p><p>“I’m sorry,” Sana heard the words tumble clumsily from her own lips, felt herself stand without making the conscious decision to do so. “I need to go,” she said, barely able to look at the understanding expression on Jihyo’s face—she didn’t deserve it, anyway. </p><p> </p><p>“Wait,” Jihyo called out as her hand landed against Sana’s. She squeezed once and then twice and—“do whatever you need to do to be happy,” she started, “but don’t hurt her in the process.”</p><p> </p><p>“I—” Sana felt the words clog up in her throat like a rusting drain pipe. “I won’t,” she whispered shakily. </p><p> </p><p>Jihyo’s gentle smile was the last thing Sana saw before she rode down the achingly familiar path. She pedalled until her lungs felt like they would burst at the seams, until her hair was wild and matted from the wind, pressed harder and harder as she realized she could travel this road with her eyes closed and harder still until Nayeon’s house began to materialize before her. </p><p> </p><p>Her lungs ached, and then her heart ached worse as she saw the darkness of the house, not a single light on as she guided her bike through to the backyard. Nerves thrummed in her chest, played a terrifying melody when she saw Nayeon’s bedroom window lit up in the horrible blue LED lights that she loved so much. </p><p> </p><p>She swallowed her fear and felt the rampant thoughts in her head dim to quiet whispers as she hoisted herself up the lattice, as she knocked on Nayeon’s window—four times. </p><p> </p><p>She counted to twelve by the time the curtains were pulled back and Nayeon stared back at her with wide eyes. </p><p> </p><p>“Sana?”</p><p> </p><p>(Nayeon would always be beautiful—no amount of hatred or sadness or fear could undo that simple fact.) </p><p> </p><p>“Hi.”</p><p> </p><p>(Sana would always be in love with her too—another fact, maybe.)</p><p> </p><p>“What are you doing here?” Nayeon asked, words dripping exasperation and confusion and she looked so tired that Sana could cry. </p><p> </p><p>“Can I come in?” </p><p> </p><p>(Sana’s heart would always beat the staccato call of <em> Nayeon. Nayeon. Nayeon </em>.)</p><p> </p><p>Nayeon took a step back, opened the window wider. “Sure,” she whispered out, like anything louder would startle them both out of whatever dream they’ve stepped into. </p><p> </p><p>(And Nayeon would always answer.)</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>i know it's short but i already have majority of the next chapter written so it shouldn't take too long for an update this time hehe thank u for reading &lt;3</p><p>twitter: @ttalgitozaki</p><p>p.s. thank u to the anon that asked me about this fic in my cc &lt;33 u gave me motivation to keep writing it</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. a word (or 4000) from nayeon</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>pls hold on this is a bit of a rollercoaster (p.s. tw for some homophobic parents but it's not super aggressive or explicit)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Minatozaki Sana came crashing into Nayeon’s life like a lit match dropped into a can of gasoline. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She was an awkwardly-proportioned seven-year-old girl with a tongue sharper than Nayeon’s and intelligence to match. She didn’t understand it then, of course, the impact Sana would have on her. She didn’t know that a teasing comment on the girl’s first day would snowball into something that would leave a crater on her heart. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Nayeon wondered if it would have been different, maybe, if she had learned how to communicate her feelings. If she had told Sana she wanted to be friends instead of telling her that the sun she drew in art class was factually inaccurate and hoping that the message was conveyed all the same. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She never did, though—learn to communicate her feelings. Because her parents were busy, busy, busy all the time and Nayeon ate dinner with her nanny more than her own mother. She never could break down the barrier between them, no matter how hard the kind woman tried, never could fully come to trust someone who had to be paid to care for her. Dinners were filled with weighted silence and metal clanking on porcelain and Nayeon always did feel out of place in her own dining room. She would eat her food as fast as a young lady possibly could—she had to remember her manners, after all—before hiding away in her bedroom, trying to learn and learn and learn because, despite their absence, her parents expected nothing less than perfect when asking about her grades. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She found solace in the window that was always left open just a crack—enough for the wind to dance into her room, for the singing crickets to chirp in her ears. She watched Rapunzel obsessively as a child, hoped, quietly, that her own prince would climb up the lattice outside of her window and save her from her misery. It felt something like leaving cookies out for Santa Claus years after she learned he didn’t exist. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The first time she kissed a girl, Nayeon was twelve.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jennie was a friend she made during a summer science program, and Nayeon thought the perfume she wore made her seem as mature as a teenager. Nayeon thought a lot of things about Jennie, really. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She thought that the girl’s long hair looked so, so soft—confirmed that a few days later when Jennie asked her to braid it on a particularly hot day. She thought Jennie’s hands were the perfect size for hers—all the boys she ever held hands with during mandatory dances at mandatory functions had palms the size of hers and their fingers interlocked too uncomfortably for Nayeon to think anything of it. She thought that Jennie’s lips were pretty, especially when they finished eating popsicles from the store down the street and her lips with tinted blue. Nayeon thought it would be nice to kiss her, maybe, because she’d never tried the blue popsicle and Jennie made it look so good. And so, she did. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It was sweet and innocent and, afterward, they giggled like the children they were. Nayeon thought this was what the girls in her grade meant when they talked about having crushes. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Nayeon went home that day with sticky fingers, and a sticky smile, and a heart that felt three sizes too big for her chest to contain it.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Her smile grew only bigger when her parents joined her at the dinner table. She didn’t mind the tense environment so much, could ignore it, maybe, if they were there. It was easier to pretend like they were a normal family if she didn’t have to imagine her parents in their seats as well. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Did you hear about the Lee girl?” She heard her mother speak and perked up at the sound, regardless of the fact that it wasn’t directed at her. She knew who they were talking about, kind of. The Lee’s were a family Nayeon distinctly remembered from many a gala and business party she had to show face at as the only Im daughter. They had two daughters and a son that Nayeon could not for the life of her remember the names of, just the fact that they were all older than her and never spared her a glance. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yes, what a shame, isn’t it?” Her father grumbled as he wiped his mouth with a napkin. Nayeon felt out of place, unsurprisingly, out of the loop—just a little girl at a grown-up table. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“A shame that they’re okay with it, encouraging it, even.” Her mother’s face was creased with disgust and Nayeon desperately wanted to know what it was that was so unsettling for the woman. “It’s not natural, for girls to be with other girls like that.” A sharp clatter accompanied the words and Nayeon could’ve mistaken it for her heart falling to the depths of her stomach. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Everything is acceptable these days,” her father said, sounding bored of the conversation already. “Kids do what they want and parents go along with it. They must be hoping it’s just a rebellious phase.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Phase or not, I would never go around shouting that my child is a lesbian.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Nayeon suddenly felt sick. She’d only heard the word <em>lesbian</em> a handful of times in her short twelve years. She didn’t know what it meant, really. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Am I a lesbian if I like Jennie?</span>
  </em>
  <span> she thought to herself, feeling fear shoot through her veins and fill her with ice that rendered her motionless. The way her mother said the word, with so much hate and disgust, Nayeon figured it must’ve been something horrible, something vile, something absolutely unacceptable. But how could blue raspberry kisses be so evil? </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The rest of dinner was quiet and somber and neither of her parents seemed to notice. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>[...]</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The next time Jennie called, Nayeon told her she was busy. And again the time after that, and again, and again, until she stopped picking up and the phone stopped ringing. She cried into her pillow night after night as she convinced herself she was normal. She removed the word lesbian from her vocabulary to the best of her ability, and when September rolled around, she walked into her high school as a freshman on a mission. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>As much as Nayeon loathed to admit it, Sana and her snark and her inability to back down were a good distraction for Nayeon. Competition in high school was different than it was in elementary or middle school, there were real things at stake for once. They weren’t just fighting for a gold star sticker, or special privileges in music class. They both knew their futures started once they entered those halls, and it felt like an entire different game. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But, with a new game came new rules. Nayeon would never call Sana a friend. If anyone asked she would be more likely to call her a pain in her ass or something similar. But she thought Sana might’ve been the perfect match for her in every wrong way. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Getting older meant growing up. They couldn’t stick gum on each other’s desks and break each other’s pencils whenever they got into one of their competitive moods. It would be different; they would have to find ways to weave into each other and bounce off of one another like rays of light reflecting from a diamond. It felt a lot like teamwork sometimes and Nayeon figured she was okay with that.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’re in my way.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But that didn’t mean she wouldn’t pretend to hate it. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>You’re</span>
  </em>
  <span> in </span>
  <em>
    <span>my </span>
  </em>
  <span>way,” Sana huffed as she stuck her bony elbow into Nayeon’s arm to grab a graduated cylinder from across the table. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Minatozaki!” Their teacher sang from across the lab. “Gentle with the equipment, please.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sana grumbled under her breath and Nayeon beamed a terribly shit-eating grin. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“One point for Im,” she whispered to Sana, “and the morning has just started.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“How is it possible for one person to be annoying every single day of their life?” Sana mumbled, eyebrows knit together in concentration as she poured one thing into another. Nayeon wasn’t paying too much attention. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You tell me,” she hummed and Sana looked up at her with a glare that terrified absolutely no one. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Stare at me any longer and I’m going to start thinking you have a crush on me, Im,” Sana said through a suddenly impish grin. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The words held no weight, Nayeon knew. Sana was being playful and stupid, trying to get a rise out of her. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>That didn’t stop the cold fear that shot down her spine. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“My standards aren’t that low, Tozaki,” she poked back, tried to keep the strain from slipping into her voice. Sana hummed out a gentle laugh like it all meant nothing to her and Nayeon wondered why she couldn’t feel the same. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>If thirteen-year-old Nayeon had the gift of hindsight, she would maybe know that was the first time she considered truly loving Sana. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>[...]</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It never went away after that. After the day in ninth grade chemistry where they got in trouble for talking too much and Sana’s eyes had gleamed in amusement while their teacher reprimanded them. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>That seemed to happen a lot, the two of them getting in trouble for things like that. Nayeon began to wonder if she should want to be around someone she was meant to dislike so badly—began to wonder </span>
  <em>
    <span>why</span>
  </em>
  <span> she wanted to be around Sana so badly. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When Sana was voted cheer captain in eleventh grade, Nayeon wondered why she didn’t feel mad or sad or disappointed in the slightest. She wondered why she clapped a hand on Sana’s shoulder and said </span>
  <em>
    <span>congratulations</span>
  </em>
  <span> and meant it. Wondered why she voted for her. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Weren’t they supposed to be rivals? </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But Sana’s eyes twinkled with tears as the sun beat down on them and her smile was full of awe and gratitude and Nayeon figured there was no one more fit to lead than her. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dinner had been tense when she broke the news—something more rare to come by since the birth of her sister. A baby had softened the hard edges of her parents that Nayeon’s best grades and most charming smiles never quite could. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She was long since past that, though, the resentment and anger and </span>
  <em>
    <span>why wasn’t I good enough</span>
  </em>
  <span>’s. Could never find it in herself to hate her sister that was better than Nayeon could ever hope to be at the young age of five. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“So, cheer is just a waste of time?” Her mother had asked, lips turned into a judgemental frown. Nayeon hated the way she shrunk into her seat, hated how she felt small and defenceless.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s something I enjoy,” she argued weakly. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Captain would’ve looked good on college applications,” her mother sighed. “I told you, you should’ve gone for student council like Jihyo. So many more opportunities there. If not the captain, all you are on the cheer team is another pillar.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Nayeon’s fist tightened around the fork in her hands as she tried to push down the burning tears building to an ache in the back of her throat. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Consistency looks good on applications. I’ve been on the team since freshman year.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Her mother hummed noncommittally. Nayeon didn’t know if she was grateful for the lack of eye contact, or if she felt thoroughly embarrassed that her mother didn’t think she was worth so much as a glance. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“May I be excused?” She asked through a steady breath, pushing away from the table before her father could nod his head. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It wasn’t a conscious decision, when she changed into running clothes and dropped her bike on the grass next to the school’s track. It wasn’t a conscious decision, but the night air felt cool against her heated lungs and tear-filled eyes and—</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Nayeon?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sana crouched in the grass with her water bottle to her lips as she watched Nayeon with curious eyes. Sweat made her stray hairs stick to her forehead and whatever jokes or insults Nayeon could think of fizzled and died in her throat. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey,” she mumbled hoarsely. “I didn’t think anybody would be here.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Same,” Sana breathed as she moved to stand next to her. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I can leave,” Nayeon offered, not sure why or what good it would do but Sana pressed a tentative hand to her arm and shrugged. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Don’t,” she said, felt like an offering that Nayeon couldn’t quite understand. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It fell silent for a few moments, so quiet that Nayeon thought she could hear their breaths crystallizing into clouds before them. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Do you—” Sana huffed and paused and closed her eyes like she was trying to build the words behind her eyelids. “Do you think I’m going to fuck up?” She asked then, finally looking into Nayeon’s eyes for the first time that night. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Of all things Sana could’ve asked, Nayeon thought that was the most absurd. Her head was shaking </span>
  <em>
    <span>no</span>
  </em>
  <span> before she could even process the words. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She wondered then, when their youthfulness was snuffed from the fire in their eyes and left nothing but tired, aged smog in its place</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You were voted in for a reason,” she shrugged. “And if you fuck up, I’ll be there to kick your ass. I won’t let you make me regret voting for you.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The confession slipped from her tongue so easily that it felt barely like a confession at all, but Sana looked at her with moonlight in her eyes and Nayeon swallowed down the sudden anxiety twisting in her chest. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I voted for you,” Sana breathed out with a laugh. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Nayeon’s heart beat her ribcage with a vengeance and she felt her shoulders slump in relief. Felt like it was suddenly worth a million lectures from her mother tearing her down to nothing, because Sana believed in her.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Would you want to train together, or something?” She asked awkwardly, not wanting the night to end or the twinkle to slip from Sana’s eyes. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“If you think you’re up for it,” Sana shrugged, but her smile was playful and light and Nayeon felt that this was easy for them—this was what she knew.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Don’t get so cocky, captain. I’m still faster than you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sana’s eyebrow quirked up in a challenge and Nayeon swallowed down the swarm of butterflies threatening to erupt from her chest and out into some crazy declaration that she didn’t understand.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>If Nayeon had the power of hindsight, maybe, she would know then—with the wind in her hair and laughter in her lungs and Sana’s feet hitting pavement behind her—that the butterflies would spell </span>
  <em>
    <span>i think you could complete me. </span>
  </em>
  <span>Would know that Sana’s breath against the cold night air would say the same. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>[...]</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Summer felt like a burning dream, like a magnificent wonder that Nayeon had only ever seen in films. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And it was terrifying, the way Nayeon fell into the solace that Sana’s arms provided. On the nights she spent alone, her head filled with guilt and dread and fear of all the possible ways what they were doing could play out. She knew they were together on borrowed time—that Sana may never fully be hers because Nayeon was too scared to love her in the daylight.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But the hours filled with Sana’s laugh and touch and crescent moon smiles that were carved just for Nayeon—they made it so easy to forget. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’re thinking hard,” Sana’s voice filtered through the silence like rays of the sun through Nayeon’s blinds. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Nayeon lifted her head from her palm, eyes never leaving Sana’s face as a sigh escaped her lips. “No I’m not,” she argued, if only because the truth may have been worse. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sana spun in her desk chair and Nayeon tried not to think about how well the other girl fit in every space that belonged to her, how seeing Sana mill about her room was as typical as watching the clock tick on her wall and as magical as the sunset pouring through her window. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Want to tell me what you’re not thinking about, then?” Sana asked, pushing away from Nayeon’s desk and curling her knees under her on Nayeon’s bed. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sana atop all of Nayeon’s things yet Sana was still not Nayeon’s. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Have you ever had a girlfriend?” She found herself asking, finger aimlessly trailing  patterns against Sana’s knee. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sana’s eyebrows raised to her hairline and Nayeon bit back a smile at the surprise. And then Sana laughed—short and sweet and beautiful and—</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yes,” she said, pulling Nayeon’s hand into her’s. “In tenth grade.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Why did you break up?” Nayeon asked. They were past the point of teetering on hard questions, of being scared of asking something that would burn. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sana’s smile turned melancholy and Nayeon felt something painful pierce up into her rib cage. “She was only with me as some sort of rebellion against her parents, I guess,” she sighed. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh,” Nayeon whispered, felt tears burning hot behind her eyes. Sana’s fingers turned white with the grip they had on her hand. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It was pretty bad back then,” Sana laughed out like it wasn’t important but an ache laid heavy in Nayeon’s chest. “But I’m over it now.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Nayeon had never been the best with words, could never heal wounds with a few carefully chosen sentences or take the weight off of anyone’s shoulders with some whispers in the dark. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And so she did the only thing she was good at—pulled Sana close and kissed her hard until there was no room left for the pain she didn’t deserve to feel. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>[...]</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Nayeon felt static trickle down through her veins until her entire body buzzed with dread. She stared at the side of her mother’s head and bit down on her tongue so hard that she feared it would bleed. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Sorry?” She squeezed through the boulder in her throat, barely more than a choked whisper. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I said you have a date tomorrow, with that nice Wang boy, you know him,” her mother answered as she flipped through whatever file was in front of her. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I—I don’t—why—”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Nayeon,” her mother interrupted with exasperation laced in her words. “Please choose what you’re going to say before you speak. A stutter is not flattering.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Nayeon’s cheeks felt as though they burst into flames at the words and she nodded meekly. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He’s a nice boy,” the woman continued. “And you should give him a chance. This will make good conversation next time we meet the Wang’s for dinner—where we can discuss your application submissions,” she added pointedly and Nayeon’s mouth felt dry. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>A million protests bubbled in her throat and recoiled back before they could see the light of day. She clenched her hands into fists and left the office with painful anxiety curling into the pits of her stomach. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She felt like a coward. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>[...]</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It used to be easy, pretending to enjoy the too-rough kisses and the sandpaper hands that never fit right against her. It used to be easy to flirt with boys that could never have her and parade others around for a few short weeks before an inevitable breakup. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It used to be easy until she learned what it felt like to fall into Sana—to want as much as she was wanted and still crave for more. It was easy until she knew what it meant to not settle, to not force someone else’s expectations down her throat like the tongues of the immature boys she had the misfortune of dating. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She sat with bile rising in her throat as a heavy hand covered hers on the armrest of a movie theatre seat. She swallowed down the apprehension as the boy whose name she could hardly remember smiled something that was supposed to be charming but came off as overbearing and—</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Sorry,” she whispered into the darkness of the theatre. “I need to use the washroom.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She could count on one hand the seconds it took before she was emptying the contents of her stomach, of the extravagant dinner she didn’t pay a dime for, into the dingy toilet of the theatre. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>[...]</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Nayeon threw her phone onto her bed and paced the length of her room for what felt like hours. Her heart pounded loudly in her ears as her stomach flipped in place, made her feel like she was suspended in space on the verge of free falling into something lethal. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Her heart lurched sharply to her throat as she heard shuffling from beneath her window, as she heard four knocks and opened the glass wide like it was wired into her consciousness.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sana stood before her painted in innocence and Nayeon felt her throat burn with unshed tears. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She took a deep breath and tilted her head to avoid a kiss that she so desperately needed and never ever deserved. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Sana,” she said through a sigh. “I’m seeing someone.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Nayeon watched as Sana’s face crumpled in confusion and then pain and she thought a hurting Sana looked so out of place in her bedroom—that she didn’t feel as typical as a clock or magical like a sunset. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She felt like a reminder of all of Nayeon’s mistakes rooted to her carpet. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What?” Sana choked out. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Nayeon’s ribcage shook and cracked under the weight of her heartbeat and she swallowed the tremors before they could weaken her words.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I mean, you’re not surprised right? I told you I wasn’t gay.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She saw the world rotate in Sana’s eyes and queasiness piled on top of the guilt laying in her chest. She saw the fire in her eyes, the conflict and apprehension mixing into a dizzying concoction that Nayeon knew would result in Sana fighting for her. Sana who would put her heart in Nayeon’s hands and trust her to love it.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Nayeon…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Nayeon took a step back, steeled herself into something so unrecognizable that she felt like a stranger in her own body. Steeled herself into something her mother would be proud of.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She dug deep into her extensive knowledge of all things Sana and blindly pulled at whatever would hurt the most. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“This was just, like, an experiment.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>A broken Sana did not belong in the walls of her bedroom—a broken Sana didn’t deserve to exist at all. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Nayeon swallowed the acid that Sana spewed and willed away the tears that she didn’t have the privilege of crying. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And then Sana was gone, and her curtains swayed tiredly as the wind forced them to dance, and Nayeon’s lonely heart stuttered sadly in her chest.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>[...]</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The days and weeks and months blended into each other—into one long mess of forced smiles and empty kisses and draining fights that felt so foreign after months of knowing what it was like to love. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She fought back for appearances and because Sana looked like their daily arguments were the only thing tethering her to some type of normalcy and Nayeon thought she owed her something—anything, after what she did. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But no matter how hard she tried, how much she believed she didn’t deserve an ounce of forgiveness or acceptance, she couldn’t stay away. She couldn’t stop trying to reach the part of Sana that looked at her and saw something worth loving in even the ugliest corners of her insides.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Then the impossible happened, and Sana let Nayeon crawl desperately back into her embrace. And Nayeon foolishly let herself believe that would be enough. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It wasn’t—it never is, with Sana—and Nayeon quickly found herself falling back into the familiar rhythm of what it meant to be with her. Back into gentle touches and secret laughter and the overwhelming unknown between the two that felt so exhilarating Nayeon could cry. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But Nayeon wouldn’t be selfish. More selfish than she had already allowed herself to be, stealing time and touches that shouldn’t have belonged to her under the cloak of summer heat. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She finally swallowed her fear, forced herself to look in the mirror—felt an ache dig into her heart at the stranger staring back at her. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Surprising to absolutely no one, it was Jeongyeon that found her in a miserable, crumpled heap on her bathroom floor. Jeongyeon who pulled her into her bedroom and spoke over her loud cries—spoke about her day and about her soccer practice and about the peeling paint around Nayeon’s window until the tears subsided and Nayeon’s lungs stood strong again. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Nayeon hid her embarrassment-flushed cheeks against Jeongyeon’s jacket and thanked the material of her t-shirt and Jeongyeon only laughed like it would all be okay. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I feel lost,” Nayeon sighed, head tipped back against her headboard. Jeongyeon moved to sit close enough for their shoulders to press together. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Why?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Nayeon looked at her then, saw years of friendship and trust wrapped into two eyes and she laughed out something pained. “Where do I start?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jeongyeon tangled their hands together and squeezed with all the love in the world. “From the beginning,” she offered, like it was just that easy. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Okay,” Nayeon breathed out, and maybe it was. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>[...]</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Breaking up with a boy that was equal parts cologne and entitlement was far from difficult. Nayeon felt lighter for it, really, seeing him speed from her house in his corvette that he knew absolutely nothing about—that he cried over when Nayeon accidentally dropped crumbs on the seat. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The breakup was easy, but there were other monsters under her bed that she had ignored for six long years. Monsters that wore her parents’ skin, that she needed to stop hiding from. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Her hands trembled in the fists she curled against her thighs as she looked across the table where her parents sat impatiently. She could hear her father tapping his shoe against the tiles and her mother’s wristwatch scraping against the tabletop and her throat constricted painfully against the words she couldn’t force out. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Was there a reason for calling us here, Nayeon?” Her mother finally asked, shook the silence like the Earth rumbling beneath their feet and Nayeon’s fists tapped against each other in her lap. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yes,” she managed to answer, voice frail and powerless. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Her mother’s watch ticked loud in her ears as they were consumed by silence again. A mocking sound reminding her of all the time lost and everything she couldn’t take back. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well?” Her mother urged. “I have a meeting in a hour, Nayeon, I really don’t have time to—”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m gay,” she blurted out like spilling the contents of her heart bare on the table for her parents to see and dissect.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Her father’s shoe stopped tapping and her mother’s watch kept ticking because time was cruel and stopped for no one and—</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Is this you acting out?” Her father asked gruffly, hands wound together tightly.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No,” Nayeon nearly cried, tears already kissing her lashes. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Then what is it?” Her mother snapped. Nayeon hated the way she flinched at the tone. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“The truth,” she whispered. “It’s the truth.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Her head turned down in the weak way she knew her mother hated, couldn’t find the energy to fight it as the silence stretched miles and her shoulders shook with tears. She heard chairs scrape against the floor and didn’t need to look up to know what was happening. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know what you’re hoping to get out of this,” her mother started. “But we’ll be taking Seoyeon out of town tomorrow, and I hope you’ll have come to your senses when we get back.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And then she heard the front door open and slam shut, and the house was bathed in silence, and Nayeon’s tears dripped acid onto her palms. </span>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>.... i promise the coming chapter(s) will be happier ;-; i've been wanting to write a chapter from nayeon's perspective for a while and thought this would be a good time to include it so! i hope you enjoyed</p><p>thank u for reading &lt;3</p><p>twitter: @ttalgitozaki<br/>cc: @ttalgitozaki</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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